Cousin Earl

Now you wanna talk about bladder problems
Then the man you wanna talk to will probably be my cousin Earl

I guess you all know Earl
He lives out on Route 13 out on that maggot farm
Earl don't like it when you get his maggot farm
Confused with a worm farm
A worm farm is for worms and a maggot farm is for maggots

And Earl's got the biggest maggots in the state, three feet long
Of course, now Earl believes this might be due to the fact that
St. Smithen's Medical Facility
Has been dumping their waste on his property

Interesting thing about three-foot maggots is that
That, well, one day the china disappeared
And then the next day his television disappeared
And then a few days after that his '57 Chevy disappeared
But there they are the world's biggest maggots

Anyway one day Earl and I were standin' in the kitchen
Giant maggots crawlin' across the floor
And Earl turns to me and he says

"Do you ever go to make a pork sausage
And find that it's got hairs all over it?"
And he gives me a look that still chills me to this day

Now Earl's got a son and they call him Earl Junior
Which I think is pretty clever since he is Earl's son
He's not really a normal boy
Ever since that tractor accident

Anyway, he ran up $5,000 worth of 976 phone bills
He called weird, unnatural numbers like 976-PIGG with two G's
And 976-SHEEP, which has five letters in it
I know he's a sick boy

Earl suggested that well, maybe I talk to him
So I went into his bedroom and I sat him down
But before I could say a word Earl Junior looked at me and he said

"Didja ever go to make a pork sausage
And find it's got hairs all over it?"
And he gave me a look that still chills me to this day

Now, Earl's got a daughter and they call her Effie-Sue
And Effie-Sue, she don't look so much like a little girl
As she looks like a, a big pile of fungus
Earl blames this too on the fact that
St. Smithen's Medical Facility has been dumpin' on his maggot farm

And I never had much contact with Essie, Effie-Sue
Excuse me, I don't even think that much of her to get her name right
I never had much contact with her
She just normally just sits on the couch
Like a little ball of fungus and just boils away

Well, one day, she looked at me
And that little ball of fungus opened its mouth
(Or what I guess was its mouth I'd hate to think what else it could be)
And out of that orifice floated the words

"Didja ever go to make a, a pork sausage
And find it's got hair all over it?"
And then that, that little pile of fungus
Gave me a look that chills me to this day

Now Earl's got a wife and we call her wife, we don't know her name
Because she's never really said that much
For the longest time we thought she could only say two words
Which were 'Dog' and 'Pussy', we thought that meant 'Dog' and 'Cat'

But then we found out that
What she was really trying to say was "Dog-pussy"
One big hyphenated word which doesn't come up much in conversation
Especially amongst Baptists
We never heard her say anything other than that

You know she works down at
Down at St. Smithen's Medical Facility and Pork Sausage Distillery
Got a good paying job there although she only does say those
Well that one word

And we have heard her say another thing once
But that was a long time ago we were sittin' around the house
And she looked at me and she said

"Do you ever go to make a pork sausage
And find that it's got hairs growin' all over it?"
And she gave me a look that chills me to this day

Now one day Earl took his whole family fishin' down in Miller's Creek
He took his wife who could only say, "Dog-pussy"
He took his son Earl Junior who took the day off from calling
976 - barnyard numbers
And he took that little that little ball of fungus daughter
Effie-Sue of his along with him

They all got in a little boat and they started fishing
Now St. Smithen's Medical Facility and Pork Sausage Distillery
Has been known to dump their stuff into Miller's Creek
All sorts of heinous stuff, big barrels floatin' in the creek
With little things on them that say
'St. Smithen's Medical Facility and Pork Sausage Distillery'

Anyway Earl was fishing
And he caught a wall-eyed bass which had twenty-seven eyes on it
It was a twenty-seven-eyed wall-eyed bass
Earl looked at it, and decided, "Umm, wouldn't this be good to eat"

So he took out his knife to cut it open
But that fish looked up at him and it said
"Please, mister please don't eat me"
And Earl said, "But I'm hungry I'm hungry"

"I work on a maggot farm
My wife can only say 'Dog-pussy'
My daughter is a pile of fungus
My son spent all of his college money calling '976-' numbers
I have to eat you"

And that fish said, "Please, don't eat me, mister, please"
And he said, "I have to I have to"
So the fish said, "Alright then, if you're gonna cut me open
Let me ask you one question"

Didja ever go to eat a pork sausage
And find it's got hairs growin' all over it?"

And then all twenty-seven eyes stared back at Earl
And they stared back at his wife who could only say, 'Dog-pussy'
And they stared back at his weird 976 - animal-calling son
And they stared back at that little pile of pus
That passes for Earl's daughter

And they gave them a look
All twenty-seven eyes gave them a look
A look that they will not forget until this very day
Oh, man