Now you wanna talk about problems Then the man you talk to will probably be my cousin Earl
I you all know Earl He out on Route 13 out on that maggot farm Earl don't like it when you get his maggot with a worm farm A worm is for worms and a maggot farm is for maggots
And Earl's got the biggest maggots in the state, feet long Of course, now believes this might be due to the fact that St. Smithen's Medical Has been dumping their on his property
Interesting thing three-foot maggots is that That, well, one day the china And then the day his television disappeared And a few days after that his '57 Chevy disappeared But there they are the biggest maggots
Anyway one day Earl and I standin' in the kitchen Giant maggots crawlin' across the And turns to me and he says
"Do you ever go to a pork sausage And that it's got hairs all over it?" And he gives me a look still chills me to this day
Now Earl's got a son and they him Earl Junior Which I think is clever since he is Earl's son He's not a normal boy Ever since tractor accident
Anyway, he ran up $5,000 worth of 976 phone He called weird, numbers like 976-PIGG with two G's And 976-SHEEP, which has letters in it I he's a sick boy
Earl suggested well, maybe I talk to him So I went into his and I sat him down But before I could say a Earl Junior looked at me and he said
"Didja ever go to make a pork And find it's got hairs all it?" And he gave me a that still chills me to this day
Now, got a daughter and they call her Effie-Sue And Effie-Sue, she look so much like a little girl As she like a, a big pile of fungus Earl blames this too on the that St. Smithen's Facility has been dumpin' on his maggot farm
And I never had much contact with Essie, Excuse me, I don't think that much of her to get her name right I never had much with her She just normally just on the couch a little ball of fungus and just boils away
Well, one day, she at me And little ball of fungus opened its mouth (Or what I guess was its I'd hate to think what else it could be) And out of orifice floated the words
"Didja ever go to a, a pork sausage And it's got hair all over it?" And then that, that little of fungus me a look that chills me to this day
Now Earl's got a wife and we call her wife, we don't know her Because she's really said that much For the longest time we thought she only say two words Which were 'Dog' and 'Pussy', we thought that meant 'Dog' and
But then we out that she was really trying to say was "Dog-pussy" One big hyphenated word doesn't come up much in conversation Especially Baptists We heard her say anything other than that
You know she down at Down at St. Smithen's Facility and Pork Sausage Distillery Got a good paying job there although she does say those Well one word
And we have her say another thing once But that was a long time ago we were around the house And she looked at me and she
"Do you ever go to a pork sausage And find it's got hairs growin' all over it?" And she me a look that chills me to this day
Now one day Earl took his whole family fishin' down in Miller's He took his wife who could say, "Dog-pussy" He took his son Junior who took the day off from calling 976 - barnyard And he took that that little ball of fungus daughter Effie-Sue of his with him
They all got in a boat and they started fishing Now St. Smithen's Medical Facility and Sausage Distillery Has been known to their stuff into Miller's Creek All sorts of heinous stuff, big floatin' in the creek With little things on them say 'St. Smithen's Facility and Pork Sausage Distillery'
Earl was fishing And he caught a wall-eyed bass had twenty-seven eyes on it It was a twenty-seven-eyed bass Earl at it, and decided, "Umm, wouldn't this be good to eat"
So he took out his knife to cut it But that fish up at him and it said "Please, please don't eat me" And said, "But I'm hungry I'm hungry"
"I work on a farm My wife can say 'Dog-pussy' My is a pile of fungus My son spent all of his money calling '976-' numbers I to eat you"
And that fish said, "Please, eat me, mister, please" And he said, "I to I have to" So the fish said, "Alright then, if you're gonna cut me Let me ask you one question"
Didja go to eat a pork sausage And find got hairs growin' all over it?"
And then all eyes stared back at Earl And they stared back at his wife who could say, 'Dog-pussy' And they stared back at his 976 - animal-calling son And they stared at that little pile of pus That passes for Earl's
And they them a look All twenty-seven eyes gave a look A look that they will not until this very day Oh, man