Stuart

You know what, Stuart?
I like you
You're not like the other people
Here, in the trailer park

Oh, don't go get me wrong
They're fine people
They're good Americans
But they're content to sit back

Maybe watch a little Mork & Mindy
On channel 57
Maybe kick back a cool
Coors 16-ouncer

They're good, fine people, Stuart
But they don't know
What the queers
Are doing to the soil

You know that Jonny Wurster kid?
The kid that delivers papers
In the neighborhood?
He's a foreign kid

Some of the
Neighbors say
"He smokes crack"
But, I don't believe it

Anyway, for his tenth birthday
All he wanted was a burrow owl
Kept bugging his old man
"Dad, get me a burrow owl"

"I'll never ask for anything else
As long as I live"
So the guy breaks down
And buys him a burrow owl

Anyway, ten thirty, the other night
I go out in my yard
And there's the Wurster kid
Looking up in the tree

I say, "What are you looking for?"
He says "I'm looking for my burrow owl"
I say, "Jumping Jesus
On a Pogo Stick"

"Everybody knows the burrow owl lives
In a hole, in the ground
Why the hell do you think
They call it a burrow owl, anyway?"

Now Stuart, do you think
A kid like that is going
To know what the queers
Are doing to the soil?

I first became aware
Of this about ten years ago
The summer my oldest boy
Bill Jr. died

You know that carnival comes
Into town every year?
Well, this year they came
Through with a ride called The Mixer

The man said, "Keep your head
And arms inside the Mixer at all times"
But Bill Jr, he was a Daredevil
Just like his old man

He was leaning out saying
"Hey everybody, look at me
Look at me"
Pow, he was decapitated

They found his head over
By the snow cone concession
A few days after that
I open up the mail

And there's a
Pamphlet in there
From Pueblo, Colorado
And it's addressed to Bill, Jr.

And it's entitled
'Do you know
What the queers
Are doing to our soil?'

Now, Stuart, if you look
At the soil around any large US city
There's a big underground
Homosexual population

Des Moines, Iowa, for an example
Look at the soil around Des Moines, Stuart
You can't build on it
You can't grow anything in it

The government says
"It's due to poor farming"
But I know what's
Really going on, Stuart

I know it's the queers
They're in it with the aliens
They're building landing strips
For gay Martians, I swear to God

You know what, Stuart
I like you
You're not like the other people
Here, in this trailer park