Now if you're following me on Twitter you know i had diarrhea today.
Am i using that web site properly?
Sometimes I like to sit one the toilet reverse. . .
it nice right?
you can turn around, you can lean on the tank.
"I'm gonna be here for awhile..."
Yea, the people that are clapping right now are the ones that are like "ok, all kidding aside he is a genius."
No, no, no it's the simplicity, i've been sitting on that thing my whole life, and you're telling me i can turn around, have a bowl of cereal, yea.
Set the alarm ten minutes later... MULTITASK.
Alright, nobody should eat while on the toilet.
"But i'm lactose intolerant, and i've always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk."
It's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
Somebody e-mailed me and they were like "Hey Dipshit"
Which for the record is a wonderful subject line if you ever want me to read your e-mails.
Oh, let's see what this nice fan has to say
You had me at hello.
Like " you know you have to take your pants completely off to sit on the toilet backwards.
Alright, so i don't research.
It's a pre-shower shit, agreed?
Can we move on, sticklers to every joke detail?
You ever have a post shower shit?
Awe, might as well go back to bed and start your whole day over.
THINGS. ARE. WRONG. That's not the order of events, there's a glitch in the matrix, this world's not real.
MOM, Wipe me.
I recently started flat ironing my ball hair.
Come on ladies, you know how it is, if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
So now when people see my balls they're like "oh my goodness, that looks really,really good."
Isnt that damaging to the hair?
And im like "yea, but what are you gonna do?"
I wish victoria beckham would knock it off with all the cute dues, i can't keep up.
My balls still have the '06 Posh
Remember that lil, trendy little cut?
Looks like my testicles.
Am i the only person that hopes David Beckham has sex with Brad Pitt?
I don't know who's in charge of casting in Hollywood, but make it happen before one of them is out of their prime.
Can you imagine those two men together, making love?
If there is a man in here that's junk doesn't wiggle just
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