Miracle

LAVENDER
My mummy says I'm a miracle!

REGINALD
My daddy says I'm his special little guy!

ALICE
I am a princess

BRUCE
And I am a prince.

LAVENDER, AMANDA, ALICE, HORTENSIA
Mum says I'm an angel sent down from the sky

BRUCE, ERIC, REGINALD
My daddy says I'm his special little soldier,
No one is as handsome, strong as me.
It's true he indulges my tendency to bulge.
But I'm his little soldier!
Hup, two, four, free!

AMANDA, HORTENSIA
My mummy says I'm a miracle,
One look at my face, and it's plain to see.
Ever since the day doc chopped the umbilical cord,
It's been clear there's no peer for a miracle like me!

NIGEL, TOMMY
My daddy says I'm his special little soldier,
No one is as bold or tough as me.
Has my daddy told ya,
One day when I'm older,
I can be a soldier
And shoot you in the face!

TEACHER
One can hardly move for beauty and brilliance these days.
It seems that there are millions of these one-in-a-millions
these days
"Specialness" seems de rigueur.
Above average is average; Go fig-ueur,
Is it is some modern miracle of calculus,
That such frequent miracles don't render each one un-
miraculous.

ALL KIDS
My mummy says I'm a miracle,
One look at my face, and it's plain to see.
Ever since the day doc chopped the umbilical cord,
It's been clear there's no peer for a miracle like me!

LAVENDER
My mummy says I'm a precious barrelina.
She has never seen a prettier barrelina
She says if I'm keen, I have to cut down on the cream,
But I'm a barrelina, so give me more cake!

MOTHER (1) & FATHER (2)
Take another picture of our angel in that costume that I made...

MOTHER (1)
The role of "tree" has never been portrayed with such
convincing sway.

MOTHER (2)
That's right, honey, look at mummy!

FATHER (2)
Don't put honey on your brother

MOTHER (2)
Smile for mummy; smile for mother!

FATHER (2)
I think she blinked

MOTHER (2)
Well, take another!

FATHER (3)
Have you seen his school report? He got a 'C' on his
report!

MOTHER (3)
What?!

FATHER (3)
We'll have to change his school, the teacher's clearly
falling short.

MOTHER (1)
She's just delightful.

FATHER (1)
So hilarious and

MOTHER (1) & FATHER (1)
Insightful.

ALL PARENTS
Might she be a little brighter than the norm?
I know to boys it's frightful form!

ALL CHILDREN & ALL PARENTS
My mummy says I'm a miracle
One look at my face, and it's plain to see.
Ever since the day doc chopped the umbilical cord,
It's been clear there's no peer for a miracle like me!
My mummy says I'm a miracle
That I'm as tiny and as shiny as a mirror ball.
You can be all cynical, but it's a truth empirical.
There's never been a miracle, a miracle, a miracle as me!

[DIALOGUE]

DOCTOR (Spoken)
A baby Mrs. Wormwood, a child, the most
precious gift the natural world can
bestow upon us has been handed to you. A
brand new human being, a life, a person.
A wonderful new person is about to come
into your life and bring you love and
magic and happiness and wonder.

MRS. WORMWOOD (Spoken)
Ooooowwwwwww! Bloody 'ell!

DOCTOR
Every life I bring into this world restores my faith in humankind.

MIDWIFE (Spoken)
Push Mrs. Wormwood, push!

MRS. WORMWOOD (Spoken)
I'll push you in a minute!

DOCTOR
Each new-born life, a canvas yet unpainted...
This still unbroken skin...
This uncorrupted mind...

Every life is unbelievably unlikely.
The chances of existence,
Almost infinitely small.
The most common thing in life is life,

(Baby cries)

DOCTOR
And yet every single life,
Every new life is a miracle! Miracle!

[DIALOGUE]

MRS. WORMWOOD (spoken)
This is the worst day of my life!

MRS. WORMWOOD
Oh, my undercarriage doesn't feel quite normal.
My skin looks just revolting in this foul fluorescent
light,
And this gown is nothing like the semi-formal, semi-Spanish gown I should be wearing in the semi-finals tonight.
I should be dancing the tarantella
Qui mon fella italiano
Not dressed in hospital cotton,
With a smarting front bottom,
And this...

MRS. WORMWOOD
Horrible...

DOCTOR
Miracle!

MRS. WORMWOOD
Smelly little -

DOCTOR
Miracle!

MRS. WORMWOOD
Weakly little ball of fat!

MR. WORMWOOD
What the hell was that?

MRS. WORMWOOD
Will someone give this thing a bottle?

MR. WORMWOOD
Or swap it for a later model?

MR. WORMWOOD, MRS. WORMWOOD
Why do bad things always happen to good people?
Fine upstanding citizens like you and me?
Why when we've done nothing wrong,
Should this disaster come along?
This horrible, weird looking...

MRS. WORMWOOD
Hairy little stinky thing

MR. WORMWOOD
With no sign of a winky-ding at all

DOCTOR
Miracle, miracle, a miracle; every life's a miracle,
Beautiful miracle I have ever seen...

MR. WORMWOOD
I can't find his frank and beans...

DOCTOR, ADULTS
Every life is unbelievably unlikely.
The chances of existence, almost infinitely small.
The most common thing in life is life,
And yet every single life, every new life is a miracle!
Miracle! Miracle!

ALL CHILDREN
My mummy says I'm a miracle
One look at my face, and it's plain to see.
Ever since the day doc chopped the umbilical cord,
It's been clear there's no peer for a miracle like me!
My mummy says I'm a miracle
That I'm as tiny and as shiny as a mirror ball.
You can be all cynical, but it's a truth empirical.
There's never been a miracle, a miracle, a miracle as ...!

MATILDA
My mummy says I'm a lousy little worm.
My daddy says I'm a bore.
My mummy says I'm a jumped-up little germ.
That kids like me should be against the law.
My daddy says I should learn to shut my pie hole.
No one likes a smart-mouthed girl like me
Mum says I'm a good case for population control
Dad says I should watch more TV.