Soph (spoken word)

From Bette Midler's Live At Last CD
I was in the woods last night with my boyfriend Ernie, and he said to me "Soph",(he always called me Soph),he said to me "Soph, these woods sure are dark I sure wish I had a flash light", I said to him "so do I Ernie. You have been munching grass for the last ten minutes."
I will never forget it. It was on the occasion of Ernie's eightieth birthday and in honor of the occasion he married a twenty year old girl. And he rang me up the very next day and he said to me "Soph, Soph, I have just married myself a twenty year old girl, what do you think of that". And I said to him "Ernie when I am eighty years old I shall marry myself a twenty year old boy, and let me tell you something Ernie twenty goes into eighty a hell of a lot more than eighty goes into twenty."
I was in bed last night with my boyfriend Ernie, and he said to me "Soph, you got no tits and a tight box". I said to him "Ernie get off my back."
From Bette Midler's Mud Will Be Flung Tonight CD
I Will never forget it you know. I was in bed one night with my boyfriend Ernie he began combing his hair there was a great shower of dandruff all about the bed. I said to him "Ernie what's that?" he said to me "Soph those are the snows of Kilamanjaro". He leaped from the bed he ran to the loo I could hear him through the door relieving himself violently (swish, swish, swish, swish) I said to him "Ernie what the hell is that?" he said to me "Soph those are the rains of Ronjapoor". He leaped from the bed, he ran back to bed, no he leaped from the loo he ran back to the bed, he leaped from the bed, he ran out the window, that's not right either, a humongous dick that wants to reach out and touch someone imagine that, he ran back from the loo, what happened then ah yes of course I hit a blank spot. On his way back from the loo he had dare I say an attack of flatulates, how could I forget that. He had an attack of flatulates (pbbt) the cheese was cut. I said to him "Ernie what the hell is that?" he said to me "Soph those are the winds of Crackatoa." That was enough for me I jumped into my clothes I was out the door like a like a shot. I could hear him calling me from down the road. "Where are you going? What's wrong?" I said who can fuck in this weather."
I will never forget it you know. Doorbell rang the other day I answered the door there was a delivery boy there, a delivery boy there with two dozen roses. I grabbed the card and I opened it it said love, from your boyfriend Ernie. I was having tea with my girlfriend Clementine at the time I said "Clementine do you know what this means. For the next two weeks I'm going to be flat on my back with my legs wide open". "Clementine says to me what's the matter with you ain't you got a vas."
I will never forget it you know. Yet another cutting the cheese joke. Listen to how I make it my own. I will never forget it you know. It was my honeymoon with my boyfriend Ernie we were on the Silvercheif we had a car all to ourselves when suddenly I cut the cheese. Ernie said "Oh my God, Soph is that you", "did you just fart", I said of course I did you think I always smell like this."
I will never forget it you know. For the longest time I didn't wear no underwear. Used to drive my boyfriend Ernie absolutely batty that I didn't wear no underwear. One day I caught a terrible cold, Ernie said to me "Soph you've got to go see the doctor I said alright, make an appointment for me." So he rang up the doctor but unbeknownst to me this is what he told the doctor. "Doc I'm sending Soph over, she got a terrible cold but that's not the problem, the problem is she don't wear no underwear, tell her she got this cold on the count of she don't wear no underwear you got that." "Right o" says the doctor so I like a Schmuck trot on down to the doctor's office the doctor said "Soph open your mouth and say Ah" I open my mouth I said "Ah" he looked down my throat he said "Soph, you ain't wearin no underwear", I said "I beg your pardon doctor?" he said to me "Soph you ain't wearin no underwear" I said "doctor you can look down my throat and see I ain't wearin no underwear" he said "that's right Soph" I said "doc do me a favor, look up my ass and tell me if my hat's on straight."