Poor Unfortunate Souls

I admit that in the past I've been a nasty
They weren't kidding when they called me kinda strange
But you'll find that nowadays, I've mended all my ways
Repented, seen the light and made a change

And I fortunately know a little secret
It's a talent that I always have possessed
Dear lady, please don't laugh, I use it on behalf
Of the miserable, the lonely and depressed, pathetic!

Poor unfortunate souls
In pain, in need
This one longing to be thinner
This one wants to get the girl
And do I help them? Yes, indeed!

Those poor unfortunate souls
So sad, so true
They come flocking to me crying
"Will you help us, pretty please?"
And I help them, yes, I do!

The men up there don't like a lot of blabber
They think a girl who gossips is a bore
Yes, on land it's much preferred for ladies not to say a word
And after all dear, what is idle prattle for?

They're not all that impressed with conversations
True gentlemen avoid it when they can
But they dote and swoon and fawn on the lady who's withdrawn
And she who holds her tongue, gets her man

Poor unfortunate souls
Go ahead, make your choice
I'm a very busy person and I haven't got all day
It won't cost much, just your voice

Those poor unfortunate souls
So sad, so true
If you wanna cross the bridge, my sweet
You've got the pay the toll
Take a gulp, take a breath, go ahead, sign the scroll
Nick and Kevin, now I've got her, boys
The boss is on a roll!

You poor unfortunate souls
In pain, in need
This one longing to be thinner
This one wants to get the girl
And do I help them? Yes, indeed!

Those poor unfortunate souls
So sad, so true
They come flocking to me crying
"Will you help us, pretty please?"
And I help them, yes, I do!
Those poor unfortunate souls!