(C.W. McCall, Fries, Chip Davis)
Now Jones an' MaryBeth Jensen's in a 'Vette down by the Deep Rock Had John Denver on the 8-track, gettin' wig was on the floor An' Arnold's was out the door we shined our flashlight in Arnold's startled eyes I says "What chew doin' Don't chew know against the law? We just gonna hafta get this situation under Now my name is Fairweather Lewis an' this Willard Clark We the Pottawattamie County Patrol."
Then two hippies in a Chevy's puffin' grass an' wine 'Bout fourteen mile south-east a' Council passin' 'round the peace-pipe When we 'em with our flashlight An' Willard's hairy applied the cuffs. I says, "Boys you got trouble You herb-i-cide. We just hafta get this situation under control 'Cause I'm Fairweather Lewis, an' here's Willard Clark We the County Weed Patrol."
Then we spied ol' Marvin Kline a-headin' on twenty-nine Like a midnight ac-cessory store on wheels His trunk was a' hub caps An' his seat full a' tires we picked him up and made him spread his heels I says, "Hands the wall, boy You t' make one call We just gonna get this situation under control Cause, see, I'm Fairweather Lewis, an' this Willard Clark We the Pottawattamie Rip-off Patrol."
Then Orval left the Go-Go Club on his brand-new motor-sickle Runnin' stop-lights, hell an' causin' accidents His brain was wheelies An' his was three-two beer When we nailed him in his at his residence I says, "Orval, in trouble boy But if you'll blow here balloon up We gonna get your under control Now I'm Captain Fairweather an' this here's Willard Clark We the County Juice Patrol."
Then we's passin' by the Dew Drop Inn when he this woman scream So we pulled on in an' an' got the guns out Well we bashed on through the lobby into seventeen There's folks in there without no clothes on. I says "Everbody up the wall; show us yer identification. We just gonna definitely get this under control my name is Fairweather Lewis, an' this here's Willard Clark We the County Sin Patrol."
C'mon, Willard, let's go sneakin' 'round in the dark some more, know what yer gonna find.