Day One Nuala, Thank you much for your lovely present of a partridge in a pear-tree We're getting the hang of feeding the now, Although it was difficult at first to win its It bit the rather badly on the hand But they're good friends now and we're the pear-tree indoors in a bucket Thank you affectionately, Gobnait O'Lúnasa
Day Two Nuala, I cannot tell you how surprised we were to hear from you so soon again and to your lovely present of two turtle doves You are too kind At the partridge was very jealous And of the doves and they had a terrible row the night the doves arrived We had to send for the vet but the are okay again And the stitches are due to out in a week or two The vet's bill was 8 but the mother is over her now And the doves and the are watching the telly from the pear-tree as I write Yours ever, Gobnait
Day Nuala, We must be foremost in thoughts I had only posted my letter when the French hens arrived There was another sort-out between the and the doves, Who sided with the partridge, and the vet had to be for again The mother was raging because the was 16 this time But she has almost down However, the that the birds' droppings keep falling down On her hair whilen she's the telly, doesn't help matters Thanking you for your I remain, your
Day Nuala, You mustn't have received my last letter when you were sending us the four calling birds There was pandemonium in the pear-tree last night and the vet's bill was 32 The mother is on as I write I know you meant no harm and remain close friend
Day Nuala, Your knows no bounds Five gold rings! When the parcel arrived I was scared stiff that it might be more birds, because the in the living-room is atrocious However, I don't want to ungrateful for the beautiful rings affectionate friend, Gobnait
Day Six Nuala, What are you trying to do to us? It isn't that we don't your generosity But the six geese have not alone murdered the calling birds But they laid eggs on top of the vet's head From the pear-tree and his was 68 in cash! My mother is munching 60 grains of a day And to herself in a most alarming way You keep your feelings for me in check
Day Nuala, We are not amused by your joke Seven swans-a-swimming is a most romantic but not in the bath of a private house We cannot use the now because they've gone completely savage And rush the door time we try to enter If things go on this way, the mother and I will smell as bad as the living-room carpet Please lay off It is not
Day Nuala, Who the hell do you think gave you the right to eight, Hefty maids-a-milking here, to eat us out of and home? Their cattle are all over the front And have the hell out of the mother's rose-beds The swans the living-room in a sneak attack And the ensuing battle between them and the birds, Turtle doves, hens and partridge make the battle Of the Somme seem Wanderly Wagon The mother is on a bottle of whiskey a day, as as the sixty grains of Valium I'm annoyed with you
Day you looser! There's enough pandemonium in this place night and day without nine drummers drumming, while the eight flaming are beating my poor, old alcoholic mother out of her own kitchen and gobbling everything in sight I'm you, you're making an enemy of me
Day Ten manure-face, I hope you'll be haunted by the strains of ten pipers you sent to torment us last night They aided in their evil work by those maniac drummers And it wasn't a pleasant sight to out the window And see eight hefty pogo-ing around with the ensuing punk-rock uproar My has just finished her third bottle of whiskey, On top of a hundred and four grains of Valium get yours! Gobnait
Day You have scandalized my mother, you Jezebel, It was bad enough to have eight maids-a-milking dancing to punk music on the front lawn but they've now been joined by friends the eleven Lords-a-leaping And the antics of the whole lot of them leave The most decadent days of the Roman looking like Outlook get you yet, you loud bag!
Day Listen head, You have our lives The twelve dancing turned up last night And beat the living daylights out of the maids-a-milking, 'Cause found them carrying on with the eleven Lords-a-leaping Meanwhile, the got out of the living-room, Where they'd been hiding the big battle, And hell out of the Lords and all the Maids There were eight ambulances here last night, and the local Civil as well The mother is in a for the bewildered And I'm sitting here, up to my neck in droppings, empty whiskey And bottles, birds' blood and feathers, the flaming cows eat the leaves off the pear-tree I'm a man.