Day One Nuala, Thank you very much for your lovely present of a partridge in a We're the hang of feeding the partridge now, Although it was difficult at to win its confidence It bit the mother rather badly on the But they're good friends now and keeping the pear-tree indoors in a bucket you again Yours affectionately, Gobnait
Day Two Nuala, I cannot tell you how surprised we were to hear from you so again and to receive your lovely present of two turtle doves You are too kind At first the partridge was very And suspicious of the doves and they had a row the night the doves arrived We had to send for the vet but the are okay again And the are due to some out in a week or two The bill was 8 but the mother is over her annoyance now And the doves and the partridge are the telly from the pear-tree as I write Yours ever, Gobnait
Day Nuala, We must be foremost in your I had only posted my when the three French hens arrived There was sort-out between the hens and the doves, Who sided with the partridge, and the vet had to be sent for The mother was raging because the was 16 this time But she has cooled down However, the fact that the birds' droppings keep falling On her hair whilen she's watching the telly, doesn't matters Thanking you for your I remain, your
Day Nuala, You mustn't have received my last letter when you were sending us the four calling birds There was pandemonium in the pear-tree again night and the vet's bill was 32 The mother is on sedation as I I know you no harm and remain your close friend
Day Nuala, Your generosity no bounds Five gold rings! When the parcel arrived I was scared stiff that it might be more birds, the smell in the living-room is atrocious However, I don't to seem ungrateful for the beautiful rings Your friend, Gobnait
Day Six Nuala, What are you trying to do to us? It that we don't appreciate your generosity But the six geese have not alone nearly murdered the birds But laid their eggs on top of the vet's head From the pear-tree and his was 68 in cash! My mother is munching 60 grains of a day And talking to in a most alarming way You must keep feelings for me in check
Day Nuala, We are not amused by little joke Seven swans-a-swimming is a most romantic idea but not in the bath of a house We cannot use the bathroom now because they've completely savage And rush the door every we try to enter If things go on this way, the and I will smell as bad as the living-room carpet Please lay off It is not fair
Day Nuala, Who the hell do you think you the right to send eight, maids-a-milking here, to eat us out of house and home? Their are all over the front lawn And have trampled the out of the mother's rose-beds The swans invaded the living-room in a attack And the battle between them and the calling birds, Turtle doves, French hens and make the battle Of the Somme seem like Wagon The mother is on a bottle of a day, as well as the sixty grains of Valium I'm annoyed with you
Day you looser! There's enough pandemonium in this place night and day without drummers drumming, while the eight flaming maids-a-milking are beating my poor, old alcoholic mother out of her own kitchen and gobbling everything in sight I'm warning you, you're making an of me
Day Ten manure-face, I hope you'll be haunted by the strains of ten piping Which you sent to torment us night They were aided in their evil work by maniac drummers And it wasn't a sight to look out the window And see eight hefty maids-a-milking pogo-ing around the ensuing punk-rock uproar My has just finished her third bottle of whiskey, On top of a hundred and four grains of Valium get yours! Gobnait
Day You have my mother, you dirty Jezebel, It was bad enough to have eight maids-a-milking dancing to punk on the front lawn but they've now been joined by your friends the eleven Lords-a-leaping And the antics of the lot of them would leave The most decadent of the Roman Empire looking like Outlook get you yet, you loud bag!
Day Listen head, You have ruined our The maidens dancing turned up last night And beat the daylights out of the eight maids-a-milking, 'Cause they found them carrying on with the Lords-a-leaping Meanwhile, the got out of the living-room, Where been hiding since the big battle, And hell out of the Lords and all the Maids There were eight here last night, and the local Civil Defence as well The is in a home for the bewildered And I'm sitting here, up to my in birds' droppings, empty whiskey And Valium bottles, blood and feathers, the flaming cows eat the leaves off the pear-tree I'm a man.