Day One Nuala, Thank you very for your lovely present of a partridge in a pear-tree We're getting the of feeding the partridge now, Although it was difficult at first to win its It bit the rather badly on the hand But they're good friends now and we're the pear-tree indoors in a bucket you again Yours affectionately, Gobnait
Day Two Nuala, I cannot tell you how surprised we were to hear from you so soon again and to receive your lovely present of two doves You are too kind At first the was very jealous And suspicious of the doves and they had a terrible row the night the arrived We had to send for the vet but the birds are again And the are due to some out in a week or two The vet's bill was 8 but the is over her annoyance now And the doves and the partridge are watching the telly from the pear-tree as I write ever, Gobnait
Day Nuala, We be foremost in your thoughts I had only posted my letter when the three French hens There was sort-out between the hens and the doves, Who sided the partridge, and the vet had to be sent for again The mother was raging because the bill was 16 time But she has cooled down However, the that the birds' droppings keep falling down On her hair whilen she's watching the telly, doesn't help Thanking you for your I remain, Gobnait
Day Nuala, You mustn't have received my last letter when you were sending us the four calling birds There was pandemonium in the pear-tree again last night and the bill was 32 The mother is on sedation as I I know you meant no harm and remain your friend
Day Nuala, Your generosity knows no Five gold rings! When the parcel arrived I was scared stiff that it might be more birds, because the smell in the living-room is However, I don't want to ungrateful for the beautiful rings Your friend, Gobnait
Day Six Nuala, What are you trying to do to us? It that we don't appreciate your generosity But the six have not alone nearly murdered the calling birds But they laid their eggs on top of the vet's From the and his bill was 68 in cash! My mother is munching 60 grains of a day And to herself in a most alarming way You must your feelings for me in check
Day Nuala, We are not amused by your joke swans-a-swimming is a most romantic idea but not in the bath of a private house We cannot use the bathroom now because they've gone completely And rush the door time we try to enter If things go on this way, the mother and I will smell as bad as the carpet Please lay off It is not fair
Day Nuala, Who the hell do you think gave you the right to eight, Hefty maids-a-milking here, to eat us out of house and Their cattle are all over the front And have trampled the out of the mother's rose-beds The swans invaded the living-room in a attack And the battle between them and the calling birds, Turtle doves, French and partridge make the battle Of the Somme seem like Wanderly The mother is on a bottle of whiskey a day, as as the sixty grains of Valium I'm very annoyed you
Day you looser! There's enough pandemonium in this place night and day without nine drummers drumming, while the flaming maids-a-milking are beating my poor, old alcoholic mother out of her own kitchen and gobbling everything in sight I'm you, you're making an enemy of me
Day Ten manure-face, I you'll be haunted by the strains of ten pipers piping Which you to torment us last night They aided in their evil work by those maniac drummers And it wasn't a sight to look out the window And see eight hefty maids-a-milking around with the ensuing punk-rock uproar My mother has finished her third bottle of whiskey, On top of a hundred and twenty grains of Valium get yours! Gobnait
Day You scandalized my mother, you dirty Jezebel, It was bad enough to eight maids-a-milking dancing to punk music on the front lawn but they've now been joined by your friends the eleven Lords-a-leaping And the antics of the whole lot of them leave The most decadent days of the Roman Empire looking Outlook I'll get you yet, you bag!
Day Listen head, You have ruined our The twelve maidens dancing up last night And beat the daylights out of the eight maids-a-milking, they found them carrying on with the eleven Lords-a-leaping Meanwhile, the got out of the living-room, Where they'd been since the big battle, And savaged hell out of the and all the Maids There were eight ambulances last night, and the local Civil Defence as well The mother is in a home for the And I'm sitting here, up to my neck in birds' droppings, whiskey And Valium bottles, birds' and feathers, While the flaming cows eat the leaves off the I'm a man.