Day One Nuala, Thank you very much for your lovely present of a partridge in a getting the hang of feeding the partridge now, Although it was difficult at to win its confidence It bit the mother rather badly on the But they're good friends now and keeping the pear-tree indoors in a bucket you again Yours affectionately, Gobnait
Day Two Nuala, I cannot tell you how surprised we to hear from you so soon again and to receive your lovely present of two turtle doves You really are too At the partridge was very jealous And suspicious of the doves and they had a terrible row the the doves arrived We had to send for the vet but the birds are okay And the are due to some out in a week or two The vet's was 8 but the mother is over her annoyance now And the doves and the partridge are watching the telly the pear-tree as I write Yours ever, Gobnait
Day Nuala, We be foremost in your thoughts I had only posted my letter when the French hens arrived There was another sort-out the hens and the doves, Who sided the partridge, and the vet had to be sent for again The mother was raging because the bill was 16 time But she has cooled down However, the that the birds' droppings keep falling down On her hair whilen she's watching the telly, doesn't matters Thanking you for your I remain, your
Day Nuala, You mustn't have received my last letter when you were sending us the four calling birds There was in the pear-tree again last night and the vet's bill was 32 The mother is on sedation as I I know you meant no harm and remain your close
Day Nuala, Your generosity knows no Five gold rings! When the parcel arrived I was scared stiff that it might be birds, because the smell in the living-room is atrocious However, I don't want to seem ungrateful for the rings affectionate friend, Gobnait
Day Six Nuala, What are you trying to do to us? It that we don't appreciate your generosity But the six geese have not alone nearly murdered the calling But laid their eggs on top of the vet's head From the pear-tree and his was 68 in cash! My mother is munching 60 grains of a day And to herself in a most alarming way You must your feelings for me in check
Day Nuala, We are not amused by your joke Seven swans-a-swimming is a most romantic idea but not in the of a private house We cannot use the bathroom now because gone completely savage And rush the door every time we try to If things go on this way, the mother and I will smell as bad as the carpet Please lay off It is not fair
Day Nuala, Who the hell do you think gave you the right to eight, maids-a-milking here, to eat us out of house and home? Their cattle are all over the front And have trampled the hell out of the rose-beds The invaded the living-room in a sneak attack And the ensuing battle them and the calling birds, doves, French hens and partridge make the battle Of the seem like Wanderly Wagon The mother is on a of whiskey a day, as well as the sixty grains of Valium I'm annoyed with you
Day you looser! There's pandemonium in this place night and day without nine drummers drumming, while the eight flaming maids-a-milking are beating my poor, old alcoholic mother out of her own kitchen and gobbling everything in sight I'm you, you're making an enemy of me
Day Ten manure-face, I hope you'll be haunted by the strains of ten pipers Which you sent to torment us night They were aided in their evil work by maniac drummers And it a pleasant sight to look out the window And see eight hefty pogo-ing around with the ensuing punk-rock uproar My mother has just finished her third of whiskey, On top of a hundred and four grains of Valium get yours! Gobnait
Day You have scandalized my mother, you Jezebel, It was bad enough to have eight maids-a-milking to punk music on the front lawn but they've now been joined by your friends the eleven Lords-a-leaping And the of the whole lot of them would leave The most decadent days of the Roman looking like Outlook I'll get you yet, you bag!
Day slurry head, You ruined our lives The twelve maidens turned up last night And beat the daylights out of the eight maids-a-milking, 'Cause they found them carrying on with the Lords-a-leaping Meanwhile, the got out of the living-room, Where they'd been hiding the big battle, And savaged hell out of the and all the Maids There were eight ambulances here last night, and the local Defence as well The mother is in a for the bewildered And I'm sitting here, up to my in birds' droppings, empty whiskey And Valium bottles, birds' and feathers, While the flaming cows eat the leaves off the I'm a man.