SCENE ONE PRINCIPALS SCENE OPENS WITH PRINCIPAL LAUGHING AT PICTURE UNTIL MISS BRIGGS WALKS IN THE ROOM. MISS SHE IS RIGHT OUTSIDE. PRINCIPAL YES, GOOD. LETS HAVE A LITTLE TALK WITH HER. MISS CARLY, GET IN HERE. RIGHT NOW. MISS BRIGGS SNAPS HER FINGER AND CARLY IN. FRANKLIN: HAVE A SEAT. CARLY OVER TO A SEAT IN FRONT OF PRINCIPAL FRANKINS DESK AND SITS IN IT. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: SO, I UNDERSTAND YOU PUT SOME UP ALL OVER THE SCHOOL. YES, I DID. MISS PUNK! PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: BRIGGS! MISS IM CALM. PRINCIPAL CARLY, THIS FLYER, ITITIT, IS UMI-ITS UH PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN OUT LAUGHING. MISS BRIGGS: ITS NOT FUNNY! (TURNS TO CARLY) WHY WOULD YOU PHOTODOC MY ONTO THE BODY OF A RHINOCEROS? WELL, I PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: RHINOCEROS? OH NO, NO, NO. YOU HER A HIPPOPOTAMUS. CARLY: NO, NO. SHES A RHINOCEROS. A HIPPO HAS FATTER AND A WIDER SNOUT. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: I THE RHINOS HAD FAT THIGHS? WELL, IF YOU PICTURE THE TWO TOGETHER, YOU COULD REALLY TELL CARLY AND PRINCIPAL START ARGUING. MISS BRIGGS: OH, OH, OH, DOES IT REALLY MATTER? I THINK WE SHOULD CALL HER FATHER IN TO THIS. CARLY: MY STATIONED IN EUROPE RIGHT NOW. FRANKLIN: HES IN THE MILITARY. MISS BRIGGS: WELL THERE MUST BE SOME IN CHARGE OF HER! CARLY: MY BROTHER, SPENCER. BRIGGS: OH, YES. THE ARTIST. CARLY: HES A ARTIST! PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OKAY, I DONT THINK WE NEED TO HER BROTHER IN ABOUT THIS. IM SURE THAT YOU CAN COME UP WITH A SUITABLE PUNISHMENT? MISS BRIGGS: (CHUCKLES) FINE. YOU KNOW, CARLY, I AM IN CHARGE OF THE SHOW THIS YEAR. CARLY: YEAH, YOURE THE AUDITIONS ON SATURDAY. BRIGGS: NO. YOU ARE! CARLY: MISS BRIGGS: I BE ENJOYING MY SATURDAY WHILE YOU TAPE THE AUDITIONS FOR ME. MISS BRIGGS GIVES CARLY A AND CARLY TAKES IT. CARLY: NO! IM GOING TO SEE PLAY LIVE AT THE HAWTHORNE ON SATURDAY! MISS NOT ANYMORE. CARLY: AW, ON! MISS BRIGGS: ITS YOU GET FOR TURNING ME INTO A HIPPOPOTAMUS. RHINOCEROS. MISS BRIGGS: (YELLING AND TO THE DOOR) GET OUT! RIGHT. CARLY HER STUFF AND LEAVES.
SCENE TWO MAIN SCENE OPENS SAM HOLDING A KID BY HIS COLLAR AND PUSHING HIM AGAINST A LOCKER. LET ME GO! SAM: SAY SORRY! IM SORRY. SAM: NOW WHAT ARE YOU SORRY KID: FOR YOURE IGGRESIVE! SAM PUSHES KID AGAINST THE AGAIN AND CARLY WALKS INTO SAME HALL AND ROLLS HER EYES. SAM: AND AM I AGAIN? KID: AND SWEET. SAM: THANK YOU. NOW THE TIME CARLY INTERUPTS BY SAMS HAIR OVER TO HER LOCKER. OW! HAIR, HAIR, HAIR! (ANGRY) HI! SAM: DID YOU GET IN CARLY: (STILL ANGRY) OF COURSE I GOT IN TROUBLE! TEACHERS TEND TO GET WHEN YOU PUT THEIR HEADS ON THE BODIES OF BIG FAT ANIMALS! I CANT BELIEVE I LET YOU TALK ME INTO TAKING THE BLAME FOR YOU! SAM: YOU HAD TO! IVE BEEN SUSPENDED ONCE THIS SEMESTER. IF I HAD GOTTEN BUSTED, SHE WOULDVE EXPELLED ME. (IN A SWEET VOICE) WELL HERES AN IDEA. SAM: (ANGRY AGAIN) STOP DOING BAD THINGS! CARLY WALKS TO HER LOCKER AND SAM FOLLOWS. HEY, CHILL-AX! CARLY: I WILL NOT CHILL-AX. AND GET EXCITED, BECAUSE YOU AND I GET TO SPEND OUR ENTIRE SATURDAY HERE. VIDEOTAPING KIDS AUDITIONS FOR THE SHOW. NO WAY, GROSS. CARLY: SORRY. ITS MY PUNISHMENT, SO NOW ITS YOUR TOO! ALRIGHT. WHAT-EV. CARLY: YOU KNOW, BUT ME WOULD PUNCH YOU RIGHT IN THE HEAD. SAM: IS WHY YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND! CARLY: GOOD TO KNOW. KNOW WHY ARE YOU CARLY WALKS INTO A CLASSROOM AND SAM FOLLOWS, THE SAME KID INTO A LOCKER AGAIN. BECAUSE IM A LOVEABLE PERSON!
SCENE THREE CARLYS SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY GOING TO HER DOOR AND PUTTING HER WATER BOTTLE AWAY BUT IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR. THEN FREDDIE COMES RUNNING OUT FROM HIS APARTMENT ACROSS THE HALL AND GRABS IT THEN PUTS IT IN FRONT OF CARLYS FACE. YOU DROPPED THIS! CARLY THE WATER BOTTLE. UH, THANKS. BUT YOU FREDDIE: I WAS GONNA WALK YOU HOME FROM SCHOOL, BUT I COULDNT YOU. HEY! CARLY: FREDDIE, WERE YOU LOOKING OUT YOUR PEEPHOLE WAITING FOR ME TO COME HOME? (LAUGHING) NO-HO-HO! FREDDIE. YES. CARLY: I THOUGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THIS. WE CAN BE BUDS, BUT YOUVE GET OVER THIS CRUSH THING. FREDDIE: I AM OVER IT. SERIOUSLY. IM IN LOVE YOU, YOU JUST WANNA BE FRIENDS. AND IM TOTALLY COOL LIVING WITH CONSTANT PAIN. OH GOD. CARLY WALKS OVER TO HER DOOR AND PUTS THE IN THE KEYSLOT, BUT TURNED AROUND. FREDDIE: OH, HEY! I HEAR YOU TO BORROW A CAMCORDER, TO TAPE SOME AUDITIONS. CARLY: YEAH, BUT ILL USE MY BROTHERS. PULLS OUT HIS PHONE. FREDDIE: WELL, IF YOU YOUR MIND, YOU KNOW MY DIGITS. CARLY: HEY, YOU GOT A NEW PHONE. FREDDIE: YOU CAN IT! CARLY HER DOOR AND RUNS INSIDE. IM HOME. HEY, KIDDO. UP HERE. CARLY UP AT THE CEILING. IM TAKING SOME PICS OF MY ROBOT SCULPTURE. SMILE! SPENCER POINTS AT SCULPTURE AND TAKES A PICTURE. CARLY: YOU KNOW, FOR MOST EIGHTH GRADE GIRLS, IF THEY CAME HOME AND FOUND THEIR TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD BROTHER DANGLING UPSIDE DOWN FROM CEILING OVER A GIANT ROBOT MADE OUT OF SODA BOTTLES, ITD BE WEIRD. SPENCER: SAYING IM ABNORMAL? DO I NEED TO SAY IT? GET DOWN FROM THERE BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF! SPENCER: NO WORRIES. IVE GOT MY LEG WRAPPED AROUND THIS SPENCER FALLS ON THE AND SCREAMS. CARLY: I CANT BELIEVE YOURE IN OF ME. SPENCER: PLEASE HELP ME UP. HELPS SPENCER UP. CARLY: ARE YOU SPENCER: YEP! NOPE! I DISLOCATED MY AGAIN. ONE SEC. FALLS ON HIS LEFT SHOULDER AND GETS BACK UP. SPENCER: YEP! THAT HER. GOOD. LISTEN, I NEED A FAVOR. SHOOT. CARLY: I HAVE TO A BUCH OF AUDITIONS AT SCHOOL ON SATURDAY. FUN! CARLY: YEAH, NOT REALLY. ANYWAY, I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD BORROW VIDEOCAMERA. SPENCER: I AWESOME! THOUGH, I CANT. CARLY: WHY SPENCER STARTS LAUGHING AND OUT HIS CAMERA THATS DISGUISED TO LOOK LIKE A SQUIRREL. SPENCER: I IT INTO A SQUIRREL.
SCENE FOUR 1 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH WALKING IN THE DOOR ON THE PHONE. CARLY: I TOLD YOU THE FRONT DOORS BE LOCKEDYOU GOTTA GO TO THE BLUE DOORS IN THE BACK OF THEOH MY GOD! CARLY IS BY HER NOTICE OF FREDDIE WITH A HUGE AND ADVANCED COMPUTER AND VIDEOCAMERA SET UP. MORNING, CARLY. SEE YA IN A SEC. CARLY UP. FREDDIE! FREDDIE: WHAT DO YOU OF MY EQUIPMENT? CARLY: I JUST TO BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. WHAT IS ALL THIS? FREDDIE: WELL, A 3-SHIP HI-DEF CAMCORDER WITH A HARPER DUIDE CONDENSER MICROPHONE MOUNTED ON A CARBON-FLIED TRIPOD WITH AN OVERDRIVE FLUED-HEAD. I ALSO BROUGHT YOU JUICE AND A BAGLE! FREDDIE A TRAY OVER TO CARLY THAT HAS JUICE AND A BAGLE ON IT. JUST THEN, SAM WALKS IN THE DOOR. HEY, YOU INVITED THE DOOF! SAM! FREDDIE TRAY ON TABLE. FREDDIE: AW, MAN! I DIDNT THAT WAS GONNA BE HERE! SHE, FREDDIE. IM A SHE, AS IN GIRL. BARELY. OOOHHH! FREDDIE: YOU JUST KEEP HANDS OFF MY AV EQUIPMENT. SO YOU MEAN I CANT TOUCH THE WHITE-BALANCE ON YOUR SUPERTY-DUPERTY CAMCORDER? FREDDIE: OH, SURE. JOKE ABOUT THE WHITE-BALANCE TILL THE GO MAGENTA! SAM WALKS TO FREDDIE AND CLEARS HER THROAT. SAM: CARLY WILL LOVE YOU FREDDIE: OKAY. IT. IM TAKING MY STUFF AND IM GOING HOME. FREDDIE UP HIS CAMERA. CARLY: (IN A SWEET VOICE) STAY! FREDDIE HIS CAMERA DOWN. OKAY. SCENE PART 2 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE WITH CARLY AND SAM SITTING IN SEATS AND FREDDIE HAS HIS CAMERA SET UP WITH THE FIRST AUDITION ONSTAGE. HEY, JEB. READY TO AUDITION? JEB: YEAH. I WILL BE A FRECH PLAY CALLED LE U E MAPHEME. SAM: WE DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT, KNOCK US OUT. (TURNS TO FREDDIE) ROLLING? FREDDIE ON HIS CAMERA. ROLLING. JEB: BACK, BACK, DID SHE GO? JEB A MUSTACHE ON. JEB: I KNOW! JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF. JEB: WILL SHE BE BACK? JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON. I DONT KNOW! JEB TAKES HIS OFF. JEB: WELL WHERE CAN I FIND JEB PUTS HIS ON. I TELL YOU, I DO NOT KNOW! JEB TAKES HIS OFF AND SMILES, THEN CARLY AND SAM CLAP WHILE HE WALKS OFFSTAGE. WHAT YA THINK? CARLY: I KNOW! SAM: YOU KNOW? I TELL YOU I DO NOT KNOW! SAM: BUT YOU KNOW! HOW CAN I KNOW IF I DO NOT KNOW? SAM: I KNOW. SCENE FOUR 3 AUDITIONS ROOM. SCENE OPENS GIRL ONSTAGE PLAYING VIOLIN, AND SAM IS FALLING, BUT CARLY IS ASLEEP. SCENE FOUR 4 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH ONE BOY DOING BAD BALLET, AND CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE LIKE THEY ARE DISGUSTED. SCENE FOUR PART 5 AUDITIONS SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE WITH A IN HER HAND AND A POGO-STICK LAYING ON THE STAGE STEPS, AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK TIRED. TARAN: I BE PLAYING THIS TRUMPET. COOL. NICE. TARAN: WHILE HOPPING ON POGO-STICK. TARAN PICKS UP POGO-STICK AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK INTERESTED NOW. THEN TARAN STARTS HOPPING ON THE POGO-STICK AND PLAYING THE TRUMPET AT THE SAME TIME. THEN CARLY AND SAM UP AND START TO CLAP. NICE! CARLY: NOW THATS IM TALKING ABOUT! JUMP AND BLOW-HO! SCENE FOUR PART 6 AUDITIONS SCENE OPENS WITH KID STANDING ONSTAGE SOMETHING INTO THE MICROPHONE. KID: THE MOM SAYS WHY DID YOU FAIL TO BRING HER IN? AND THEN THE DOG SAYS I DA EGGS! HA, HA, HA! CARLY AND SAM START WHEN KID WALKS OFFSTAGE. THANKS! CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING. SAM: NOT FUNNY. NO, NO, NOT AT ALL. SAM WALKS TO THE STAGE AND CARLY STANDS UP. SAM: WELL THAT. CAN WE PLEASE DISCUSS THE BOYS HAIR AND GLASSES? HE LOOKS LIKE MISS BRIGGS! CARLY: (LAUGHING) YEAH. AT LEAST HE MISS BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS! FREDDIE POINTS CAMERA AT AND SAM AND SAM WALKS OVER TO CARLY. SAM: (LAUGHING) I KNOW. IS UP WITH THOSE? (STILL LAUGHING) ITS LIKE SHE STUFFS WAFFLE CONES IN HER BRA! SAM: (STILL LAUGHING) SHE POKE AN EYE OUT WITH ONE OF THOSE THINGS! CARLY: OKAY. THATS ENOUGH. WEVE GOT (CARLY CHECKS PAPER) ELEVEN PEOPLE TO SEE. SAM: OOH! CARLY: DOWN. IT CANT GET WORSE. FOUR PART 5 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE WITH KID RAPPING HORRIBLY. AND I WAS WRONG. SCENE FIVE CARLYS AT NIGHT OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SLEEPING ON THE COUCH AND THE TELEVISION IS ON. CARLY WAKES UP. CARLY: (SLEEPY) SAM? HEY, WAKE UP! CARLY HER FOOT ON SAMS FACE AND SHE WAKES UP. SAM SITS UP AND YAWNS. WHAT TIME IS IT? CARLY: LATE. WHENS MOM COMING TO PICK YOU UP? SAM: SHES NOT. I HER YOU INVITED ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT. CARLY: I DIDNT INVITE YOU TO THE NIGHT! SAM: YOU SHOULD CUZ IM NOT LEAVING. WALKS OVER TO THE COMPUTER AND STARTS TYPING. SAM: DOIN? CARLY: IM CHECKING TO SEE IF FREDDIE PUT THE AUDIOTIONS ONLINE. HE SAID HED UPLOAD THEM IN THE MORNING SO BRIGGS COULD WATCH THEM ONLINE. SAM: I HATE MISS BRIGGS. REMEMBER WHEN SHE ME A DEMON? (YELLING) NO! SAM: OH, YES. SOMEONE PUT RAW CHICKEN IN HER PURSE CARLY: SHUT UP AND LOOK AT THIS! SAM OVER TO CARLY AT THE COMPUTER. SAM: WHAT? FREDDIE UPLOAD THE AUDIOTIONS? CARLY: NO. HE US! SAM: LOOK! SAM WATCHES A VIDEO ON THE COMPUTER THAT SHOWS MAKING FUN OF MISS BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS. SAM: US! SURE IS! SAM: FREDDIE WASNT TO FILM US! WE WERE BEING ALL GOOFY AND ACTING LIKE IDIOTS ALL DAY! LOOKS SCARED. CARLY: OH MY GOD! WE FUN OF MISS BRIGGS AND HER CRAZY POINTY BOOBS! SAM: WHOA! IF SHE THAT ANYONE CAN SEE IT! ITS ON SLPASHFACE. OKAY, CHILL-AX. SAM AT THE COMPUTER. SAM: SEE THE ONLY 27 PEOPLE HAVE CLICKED ON IT. OH. OKAY, GOOD. CARLY AT THE COMPUTER. CARLY: YEAH? CARLY: (YELLING) 27,000! SAM OUT OF CHAIR.