SCENE ONE PRINCIPALS SCENE OPENS WITH PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN AT PICTURE UNTIL MISS BRIGGS WALKS IN THE ROOM. BRIGGS: SHE IS RIGHT OUTSIDE. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: YES, GOOD. HAVE A LITTLE TALK WITH HER. BRIGGS: CARLY, GET IN HERE. RIGHT NOW. MISS BRIGGS SNAPS HER FINGER AND WALKS IN. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: A SEAT. CARLY WALKS OVER TO A SEAT IN OF PRINCIPAL FRANKINS DESK AND SITS IN IT. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: SO, I UNDERSTAND YOU PUT FLYERS UP ALL OVER THE SCHOOL. YES, I DID. MISS PUNK! PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: BRIGGS! BRIGGS: IM CALM. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: CARLY, FLYER, ITITIT, IS UMI-ITS UH PRINCIPAL BREAKS OUT LAUGHING. MISS BRIGGS: ITS NOT FUNNY! (TURNS TO CARLY) WHY WOULD YOU PHOTODOC MY HEAD ONTO THE OF A RHINOCEROS? WELL, I PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OH NO, NO, NO. YOU MADE HER A HIPPOPOTAMUS. CARLY: NO, NO. SHES A RHINOCEROS. A HIPPO HAS FATTER THIGHS AND A SNOUT. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: I THE RHINOS HAD FAT THIGHS? CARLY: WELL, IF YOU PICTURE THE TWO TOGETHER, YOU REALLY TELL CARLY AND PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN ARGUING. MISS BRIGGS: OH, OH, OH, DOES IT REALLY MATTER? I THINK WE SHOULD CALL HER IN TO DISGUSS THIS. CARLY: MY FATHERS STATIONED IN RIGHT NOW. PRINCIPAL HES IN THE MILITARY. BRIGGS: WELL THERE MUST BE SOME ADULT IN CHARGE OF HER! CARLY: MY BROTHER, SPENCER. BRIGGS: OH, YES. THE ARTIST. CARLY: HES A ARTIST! PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OKAY, I DONT THINK WE NEED TO CALL HER BROTHER IN ABOUT THIS. IM THAT YOU CAN COME UP WITH A SUITABLE PUNISHMENT? MISS (CHUCKLES) FINE. YOU KNOW, CARLY, I AM IN CHARGE OF THE TALENT SHOW THIS YEAR. YEAH, YOURE HOLDING THE AUDITIONS ON SATURDAY. MISS NO. YOU ARE! HUH? MISS BRIGGS: I WILL BE ENJOYING MY SATURDAY YOU TAPE THE AUDITIONS FOR ME. MISS BRIGGS CARLY A PAPER AND CARLY TAKES IT. CARLY: NO! IM GOING TO SEE PLAY LIVE AT THE HAWTHORNE ON SATURDAY! BRIGGS: NOT ANYMORE. CARLY: AW, ON! MISS ITS WHAT YOU GET FOR TURNING ME INTO A HIPPOPOTAMUS. RHINOCEROS. MISS (YELLING AND POINTING TO THE DOOR) GET OUT! RIGHT. CARLY GRABS HER AND LEAVES.
TWO MAIN HALLWAY SCENE OPENS SAM HOLDING A KID BY HIS COLLAR AND PUSHING HIM AGAINST A LOCKER. LET ME GO! SAM: SAY SORRY! IM SORRY. SAM: NOW ARE YOU SORRY FOR? FOR SAYING YOURE IGGRESIVE! SAM PUSHES KID AGAINST THE LOCKER AGAIN AND CARLY WALKS SAME HALL AND ROLLS HER EYES. AND WHAT AM I AGAIN? KID: AND SWEET. THANK YOU. NOW THE NEXT TIME CARLY BY PULLING SAMS HAIR OVER TO HER LOCKER. OW! HAIR, HAIR, HAIR! (ANGRY) HI! SAM: DID YOU GET IN CARLY: (STILL ANGRY) OF COURSE I GOT IN TROUBLE! TEACHERS TEND TO GET UPSET WHEN YOU PUT THEIR HEADS ON THE BODIES OF BIG FAT ANIMALS! I BELIEVE I LET YOU TALK ME INTO TAKING THE BLAME FOR YOU! SAM: YOU HAD TO! IVE ALREADY SUSPENDED ONCE THIS SEMESTER. IF I HAD GOTTEN BUSTED, SHE WOULDVE EXPELLED ME. (IN A SWEET VOICE) WELL HERES AN IDEA. SAM: (ANGRY AGAIN) STOP DOING BAD THINGS! CARLY OVER TO HER LOCKER AND SAM FOLLOWS. HEY, CHILL-AX! CARLY: I WILL NOT CHILL-AX. AND GET EXCITED, BECAUSE YOU AND I GET TO SPEND OUR ENTIRE SATURDAY HERE. VIDEOTAPING AUDITIONS FOR THE TALENT SHOW. NO WAY, GROSS. CARLY: SORRY. ITS MY PUNISHMENT, SO NOW ITS YOUR TOO! ALRIGHT. WHAT-EV. CARLY: YOU KNOW, ANYBODY BUT ME WOULD YOU RIGHT IN THE HEAD. WHICH IS WHY YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND! CARLY: TO KNOW. KNOW WHY ARE YOU MINE? CARLY WALKS INTO A CLASSROOM AND SAM FOLLOWS, PUSHING THE SAME KID INTO A AGAIN. SAM: IM A LOVEABLE PERSON!
THREE CARLYS APARTMENT SCENE WITH CARLY GOING TO HER APARTMENT DOOR AND PUTTING HER WATER BOTTLE AWAY BUT IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR. THEN FREDDIE COMES RUNNING OUT FROM HIS APARTMENT ACROSS THE HALL AND GRABS IT THEN PUTS IT IN FRONT OF CARLYS FACE. YOU DROPPED THIS! CARLY THE WATER BOTTLE. UH, THANKS. BUT YOU FREDDIE: I WAS GONNA WALK YOU HOME SCHOOL, BUT I COULDNT FIND YOU. HEY! CARLY: FREDDIE, WERE YOU LOOKING OUT YOUR PEEPHOLE WAITING FOR ME TO COME HOME? (LAUGHING) NO-HO-HO! FREDDIE. YES. CARLY: I THOUGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THIS. WE CAN BE BUDS, BUT YOUVE GOTTA GET OVER THIS THING. FREDDIE: I AM OVER IT. SERIOUSLY. IM IN LOVE YOU, YOU WANNA BE FRIENDS. AND IM TOTALLY COOL LIVING WITH THAT CONSTANT PAIN. OH GOD. CARLY OVER TO HER DOOR AND PUTS THE KEYS IN THE KEYSLOT, BUT TURNED AROUND. FREDDIE: OH, HEY! I HEAR YOU NEED TO A CAMCORDER, TO TAPE SOME AUDITIONS. CARLY: YEAH, BUT ILL USE MY BROTHERS. PULLS OUT HIS PHONE. FREDDIE: WELL, IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND, YOU MY DIGITS. CARLY: HEY, YOU GOT A NEW PHONE. FREDDIE: YOU CAN IT! CARLY HER DOOR AND RUNS INSIDE. IM HOME. HEY, KIDDO. UP HERE. CARLY UP AT THE CEILING. SPENCER: IM TAKING SOME PICS OF MY SCULPTURE. SMILE! POINTS CAMERA AT SCULPTURE AND TAKES A PICTURE. CARLY: YOU KNOW, FOR MOST EIGHTH GRADE GIRLS, IF THEY CAME HOME AND FOUND THEIR TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD BROTHER DANGLING UPSIDE DOWN FROM THEIR CEILING A GIANT ROBOT MADE OUT OF SODA BOTTLES, ITD BE WEIRD. SPENCER: YOURE IM ABNORMAL? DO I NEED TO SAY IT? GET DOWN FROM THERE BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF! SPENCER: NO WORRIES. IVE GOT MY LEG WRAPPED AROUND THIS FALLS ON THE FLOOR AND SCREAMS. CARLY: I CANT YOURE IN CHARGE OF ME. SPENCER: HELP ME STAND UP. HELPS SPENCER UP. CARLY: ARE YOU SPENCER: YEP! NOPE! I DISLOCATED MY AGAIN. ONE SEC. SPENCER ON HIS LEFT SHOULDER AND GETS BACK UP. SPENCER: YEP! FIXED HER. CARLY: GOOD. LISTEN, I A FAVOR. SHOOT. CARLY: I HAVE TO TAPE A BUCH OF AT SCHOOL ON SATURDAY. FUN! CARLY: YEAH, NOT REALLY. ANYWAY, I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD BORROW VIDEOCAMERA. SPENCER: I AWESOME! THOUGH, I CANT. CARLY: WHY SPENCER STARTS LAUGHING AND OUT HIS CAMERA THATS DISGUISED TO LOOK LIKE A SQUIRREL. SPENCER: I IT INTO A SQUIRREL.
FOUR PART 1 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS CARLY WALKING IN THE DOOR ON THE PHONE. CARLY: I TOLD YOU THE FRONT DOORS WOULD BE LOCKEDYOU GOTTA GO TO THE BLUE DOORS IN THE OF THEOH MY GOD! CARLY IS INTERUPTED BY HER OF FREDDIE WITH A HUGE AND ADVANCED COMPUTER AND VIDEOCAMERA SET UP. MORNING, CARLY. SEE YA IN A SEC. CARLY UP. FREDDIE! FREDDIE: WHAT DO YOU OF MY EQUIPMENT? I JUST ASKED TO BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. WHAT IS ALL THIS? FREDDIE: WELL, THATS A 3-SHIP HI-DEF CAMCORDER WITH A HARPER DUIDE CONDENSER MICROPHONE MOUNTED ON A CARBON-FLIED TRIPOD WITH AN OVERDRIVE FLUED-HEAD. I ALSO BROUGHT YOU AND A BAGLE! FREDDIE BRINGS A OVER TO CARLY THAT HAS JUICE AND A BAGLE ON IT. JUST THEN, SAM WALKS IN THE DOOR. HEY, YOU INVITED THE DOOF! SAM! FREDDIE TRAY ON TABLE. FREDDIE: AW, MAN! I DIDNT THAT WAS GONNA BE HERE! SHE, FREDDIE. IM A SHE, AS IN GIRL. BARELY. OOOHHH! FREDDIE: YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY AV EQUIPMENT. SAM: SO YOU MEAN I CANT TOUCH THE WHITE-BALANCE ON YOUR CAMCORDER? OH, SURE. JOKE ABOUT THE WHITE-BALANCE TILL THE SKINTONES GO MAGENTA! SAM OVER TO FREDDIE AND CLEARS HER THROAT. SAM: WILL NEVER LOVE YOU FREDDIE: OKAY. IT. IM TAKING MY STUFF AND IM GOING HOME. PICKS UP HIS CAMERA. CARLY: (IN A SWEET VOICE) STAY! FREDDIE HIS CAMERA DOWN. OKAY. SCENE FOUR PART 2 AUDITIONS SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SITTING IN AND FREDDIE HAS HIS CAMERA SET UP WITH THE FIRST AUDITION ONSTAGE. HEY, JEB. READY TO AUDITION? JEB: YEAH. I WILL BE A FRECH PLAY CALLED LE U E MAPHEME. OKAY CARLY: WE DONT WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT, KNOCK US OUT. (TURNS TO FREDDIE) ROLLING? FREDDIE ON HIS CAMERA. ROLLING. JEB: BACK, BACK, DID SHE GO? JEB A MUSTACHE ON. I DONT KNOW! JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF. JEB: WHEN SHE BE BACK? JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON. JEB: I KNOW! JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF. JEB: WELL CAN I FIND HER? JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON. JEB: I YOU, I DO NOT KNOW! JEB TAKES HIS MUSTACHE OFF AND SMILES, THEN CARLY AND SAM WHILE HE WALKS OFFSTAGE. SAM: WHAT YA CARLY: I KNOW! SAM: YOU DONT CARLY: I YOU I DO NOT KNOW! SAM: BUT YOU KNOW! CARLY: HOW CAN I IF I DO NOT KNOW? I DONT KNOW. SCENE FOUR PART 3 ROOM. SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE PLAYING VIOLIN, AND SAM IS FALLING, BUT IS ASLEEP. SCENE PART 4 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH ONE BOY DOING BAD BALLET, AND CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE LOOK LIKE ARE DISGUSTED. SCENE FOUR 5 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE WITH A TRUMPET IN HER HAND AND A POGO-STICK LAYING ON THE STAGE STEPS, AND AND SAM LOOK TIRED. I WILL BE PLAYING THIS TRUMPET. COOL. NICE. TARAN: WHILE HOPPING ON POGO-STICK. TARAN UP POGO-STICK AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK INTERESTED NOW. THEN TARAN STARTS HOPPING ON THE POGO-STICK AND PLAYING THE TRUMPET AT THE SAME TIME. THEN CARLY AND SAM STAND UP AND START TO CLAP. NICE! CARLY: NOW THATS IM TALKING ABOUT! SAM: AND BLOW-HO! FOUR PART 6 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH KID STANDING ONSTAGE SAYING INTO THE MICROPHONE. KID: THE MOM SAYS WHY DID YOU FAIL TO BRING HER IN? AND THE DOG SAYS I LIKE DA EGGS! HA, HA, HA! CARLY AND SAM START LAUGHING KID WALKS OFFSTAGE. THANKS! CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING. SAM: NOT FUNNY. NO, NO, NOT AT ALL. SAM OVER TO THE STAGE AND CARLY STANDS UP. SAM: WELL FORGET THAT. CAN WE PLEASE DISCUSS THE BOYS HAIR AND HE LOOKS LIKE MISS BRIGGS! CARLY: (LAUGHING) YEAH. AT LEAST HE DOESNT BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS! FREDDIE POINTS CAMERA AT AND SAM AND SAM WALKS OVER TO CARLY. SAM: (LAUGHING) I KNOW. WHAT IS UP WITH CARLY: (STILL LAUGHING) ITS SHE STUFFS WAFFLE CONES IN HER BRA! SAM: (STILL LAUGHING) SHE COULD POKE AN EYE OUT ONE OF THOSE THINGS! CARLY: OKAY. ENOUGH. WEVE STILL GOT (CARLY CHECKS PAPER) ELEVEN PEOPLE TO SEE. SAM: OOH! CARLY: DOWN. IT CANT GET WORSE. SCENE FOUR PART 5 ROOM SCENE OPENS KID RAPPING HORRIBLY. AND I WAS WRONG. SCENE FIVE CARLYS AT NIGHT SCENE OPENS CARLY AND SAM SLEEPING ON THE COUCH AND THE TELEVISION IS ON. CARLY WAKES UP. (SLEEPY) SAM? HEY, SAM? WAKE UP! CARLY PUTS HER FOOT ON FACE AND SHE WAKES UP. SAM SITS UP AND YAWNS. SAM: TIME IS IT? CARLY: LATE. WHENS YOURE MOM COMING TO YOU UP? SHES NOT. I TOLD HER YOU INVITED ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT. CARLY: I DIDNT INVITE YOU TO THE NIGHT! SAM: WELL YOU CUZ IM NOT LEAVING. CARLY OVER TO THE COMPUTER AND STARTS TYPING. SAM: DOIN? CARLY: IM CHECKING TO SEE IF FREDDIE PUT THE AUDIOTIONS ONLINE. HE SAID HED UPLOAD THEM IN THE MORNING SO BRIGGS COULD WATCH THEM ONLINE. SAM: I HATE MISS BRIGGS. REMEMBER WHEN SHE ME A DEMON? (YELLING) NO! SAM: OH, YES. SOMEONE PUT THAT RAW IN HER PURSE CARLY: SHUT UP AND COME AT THIS! SAM WALKS OVER TO AT THE COMPUTER. SAM: WHAT? FREDDIE UPLOAD THE AUDIOTIONS? NO. HE UPLOADED US! SAM: LOOK! SAM WATCHES A VIDEO ON THE THAT SHOWS THEM MAKING FUN OF MISS BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS. SAM: US! CARLY: IS! SAM: FREDDIE WASNT SUPPOSED TO FILM US! WE WERE BEING ALL GOOFY AND ACTING IDIOTS ALL DAY! LOOKS SCARED. CARLY: OH MY GOD! WE MADE FUN OF MISS AND HER CRAZY POINTY BOOBS! WHOA! IF SHE SEES THAT CARLY: CAN SEE IT! ITS ON SLPASHFACE. OKAY, CHILL-AX. SAM AT THE COMPUTER. SAM: SEE THE ONLY 27 PEOPLE HAVE CLICKED ON IT. OH. OKAY, GOOD. CARLY AT THE COMPUTER. SAM? SAM: (YELLING) THATS 27,000! SAM OUT OF CHAIR.