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SCENE ONE PRINCIPALS
SCENE WITH PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN LAUGHING AT PICTURE UNTIL MISS BRIGGS WALKS IN THE ROOM.
MISS BRIGGS: SHE IS OUTSIDE.
PRINCIPAL YES, GOOD. LETS HAVE A LITTLE TALK WITH HER.
MISS BRIGGS: CARLY, GET IN HERE. NOW.
MISS SNAPS HER FINGER AND CARLY WALKS IN.
FRANKLIN: HAVE A SEAT.
CARLY WALKS OVER TO A IN FRONT OF PRINCIPAL FRANKINS DESK AND SITS IN IT.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: SO, I YOU PUT SOME FLYERS UP ALL OVER THE SCHOOL.
YES, I DID.
MISS PUNK!
PRINCIPAL MISS BRIGGS!
BRIGGS: IM CALM.
PRINCIPAL CARLY, THIS FLYER, ITITIT, IS UMI-ITS UH
PRINCIPAL BREAKS OUT LAUGHING.
MISS BRIGGS: ITS NOT FUNNY! (TURNS TO CARLY) WHY YOU PHOTODOC MY HEAD ONTO THE BODY OF A RHINOCEROS?
WELL, I
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OH NO, NO, NO. YOU MADE HER A HIPPOPOTAMUS.
CARLY: NO, NO. SHES A RHINOCEROS. A HIPPO HAS FATTER AND A WIDER SNOUT.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: I THE RHINOS HAD FAT THIGHS?
CARLY: WELL, IF YOU THE TWO TOGETHER, YOU COULD REALLY TELL
CARLY AND PRINCIPAL START ARGUING.
MISS BRIGGS: OH, OH, OH, DOES IT REALLY MATTER? I THINK WE SHOULD HER FATHER IN TO DISGUSS THIS.
CARLY: MY FATHERS STATIONED IN RIGHT NOW.
PRINCIPAL HES IN THE MILITARY.
MISS BRIGGS: THERE MUST BE SOME ADULT IN CHARGE OF HER!
CARLY: MY BROTHER, SPENCER.
MISS OH, YES. THE ARTIST.
CARLY: HES A ARTIST!
PRINCIPAL OKAY, I DONT THINK WE NEED TO CALL HER BROTHER IN ABOUT THIS. IM SURE THAT YOU CAN COME UP WITH A SUITABLE PUNISHMENT?
MISS (CHUCKLES) FINE. YOU KNOW, CARLY, I AM IN CHARGE OF THE TALENT SHOW THIS YEAR.
YEAH, YOURE HOLDING THE AUDITIONS ON SATURDAY.
MISS NO. YOU ARE!
HUH?
MISS I WILL BE ENJOYING MY SATURDAY WHILE YOU TAPE THE AUDITIONS FOR ME.
MISS BRIGGS GIVES CARLY A PAPER AND CARLY IT.
CARLY: NO! IM GOING TO SEE CUDDLEFISH PLAY AT THE HAWTHORNE ON SATURDAY!
MISS NOT ANYMORE.
CARLY: AW, ON!
BRIGGS: ITS WHAT YOU GET FOR TURNING ME INTO A HIPPOPOTAMUS.
RHINOCEROS.
MISS (YELLING AND POINTING TO THE DOOR) GET OUT!
RIGHT.
CARLY GRABS HER AND LEAVES.

SCENE TWO MAIN
SCENE OPENS WITH SAM A KID BY HIS COLLAR AND PUSHING HIM AGAINST A LOCKER.
LET ME GO!
SAM: SAY SORRY!
IM SORRY.
SAM: NOW WHAT ARE YOU SORRY
KID: FOR SAYING IGGRESIVE!
SAM PUSHES KID AGAINST THE AGAIN AND CARLY WALKS INTO SAME HALL AND ROLLS HER EYES.
SAM: AND AM I AGAIN?
KID: AND SWEET.
THANK YOU. NOW THE NEXT TIME
CARLY INTERUPTS BY PULLING SAMS OVER TO HER LOCKER.
OW! HAIR, HAIR, HAIR!
(ANGRY) HI!
SAM: DID YOU GET IN
CARLY: (STILL ANGRY) OF COURSE I GOT IN TROUBLE! TEACHERS TEND TO GET UPSET WHEN YOU PUT THEIR HEADS ON THE BODIES OF BIG FAT ANIMALS! I CANT BELIEVE I LET YOU ME INTO TAKING THE BLAME FOR YOU!
SAM: YOU HAD TO! IVE ALREADY BEEN SUSPENDED ONCE SEMESTER. IF I HAD GOTTEN BUSTED, SHE WOULDVE EXPELLED ME.
CARLY: (IN A SWEET VOICE) HERES AN IDEA.
SAM:
CARLY: (ANGRY AGAIN) DOING BAD THINGS!
CARLY WALKS TO HER LOCKER AND SAM FOLLOWS.
HEY, CHILL-AX!
CARLY: I WILL NOT CHILL-AX. AND GET EXCITED, BECAUSE YOU AND I GET TO SPEND OUR ENTIRE SATURDAY HERE. VIDEOTAPING AUDITIONS FOR THE TALENT SHOW.
NO WAY, GROSS.
CARLY: SORRY. ITS MY PUNISHMENT, SO NOW ITS PUNISHMENT TOO!
ALRIGHT. WHAT-EV.
CARLY: YOU KNOW, ANYBODY BUT ME WOULD PUNCH YOU IN THE HEAD.
SAM: IS WHY YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND!
CARLY: TO KNOW. KNOW WHY ARE YOU MINE?
CARLY WALKS INTO A CLASSROOM AND SAM FOLLOWS, PUSHING THE SAME KID A LOCKER AGAIN.
SAM: IM A LOVEABLE PERSON!

SCENE THREE APARTMENT
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY GOING TO HER APARTMENT DOOR AND PUTTING HER WATER BOTTLE AWAY BUT IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR. THEN FREDDIE COMES OUT FROM HIS APARTMENT ACROSS THE HALL AND GRABS IT THEN PUTS IT IN FRONT OF CARLYS FACE.
FREDDIE: YOU THIS!
TAKES THE WATER BOTTLE.
UH, THANKS. BUT YOU
FREDDIE: I WAS GONNA WALK YOU FROM SCHOOL, BUT I COULDNT FIND YOU. HEY!
CARLY: FREDDIE, WERE YOU JUST LOOKING OUT YOUR PEEPHOLE WAITING FOR ME TO HOME?
(LAUGHING) NO-HO-HO!
FREDDIE.
YES.
CARLY: I THOUGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THIS. WE CAN BE BUDS, BUT YOUVE GOTTA GET THIS CRUSH THING.
FREDDIE: I AM OVER IT. SERIOUSLY. IM IN LOVE YOU, YOU JUST WANNA BE FRIENDS. AND IM TOTALLY COOL LIVING WITH THAT PAIN.
OH GOD.
CARLY WALKS OVER TO HER DOOR AND PUTS THE KEYS IN THE KEYSLOT, BUT AROUND.
OH, HEY! I HEAR YOU NEED TO BORROW A CAMCORDER, TO TAPE SOME AUDITIONS.
CARLY: YEAH, BUT ILL USE MY BROTHERS.
PULLS OUT HIS PHONE.
FREDDIE: WELL, IF YOU YOUR MIND, YOU KNOW MY DIGITS.
HEY, YOU GOT A NEW CELL PHONE.
FREDDIE: YOU CAN IT!
CARLY OPENS HER DOOR AND INSIDE.
IM HOME.
HEY, KIDDO. UP HERE.
CARLY UP AT THE CEILING.
SPENCER: IM TAKING SOME PICS OF MY SCULPTURE. SMILE!
SPENCER POINTS CAMERA AT AND TAKES A PICTURE.
CARLY: YOU KNOW, FOR MOST EIGHTH GRADE GIRLS, IF THEY CAME HOME AND FOUND THEIR TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD BROTHER UPSIDE DOWN FROM THEIR CEILING OVER A GIANT ROBOT MADE OUT OF SODA BOTTLES, ITD BE WEIRD.
SPENCER: YOURE SAYING IM
CARLY: DO I TO SAY IT? GET DOWN FROM THERE BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF!
SPENCER: NO WORRIES. IVE GOT MY LEG WRAPPED AROUND THIS
SPENCER FALLS ON THE AND SCREAMS.
CARLY: I CANT YOURE IN CHARGE OF ME.
SPENCER: HELP ME STAND UP.
HELPS SPENCER UP.
CARLY: ARE YOU
SPENCER: YEP! NOPE! I MY SHOULDER AGAIN. ONE SEC.
FALLS ON HIS LEFT SHOULDER AND GETS BACK UP.
SPENCER: YEP! FIXED HER.
CARLY: GOOD. LISTEN, I A FAVOR.
SHOOT.
CARLY: I HAVE TO TAPE A OF AUDITIONS AT SCHOOL ON SATURDAY.
FUN!
CARLY: YEAH, NOT REALLY. ANYWAY, I WAS IF I COULD BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA.
I WOULD
AWESOME!
THOUGH, I CANT.
CARLY: WHY
SPENCER STARTS LAUGHING AND BRINGS OUT HIS CAMERA THATS DISGUISED TO LOOK A SQUIRREL.
SPENCER: I MADE IT A SQUIRREL.

SCENE PART 1 AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS CARLY WALKING IN THE DOOR ON THE PHONE.
CARLY: I YOU THE FRONT DOORS WOULD BE LOCKEDYOU GOTTA GO TO THE BLUE DOORS IN THE BACK OF THEOH MY GOD!
CARLY IS BY HER NOTICE OF FREDDIE WITH A HUGE AND ADVANCED COMPUTER AND VIDEOCAMERA SET UP.
MORNING, CARLY.
SEE YA IN A SEC.
CARLY UP.
FREDDIE!
FREDDIE: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY
CARLY: I JUST ASKED TO YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. WHAT IS ALL THIS?
FREDDIE: WELL, THATS A 3-SHIP HI-DEF CAMCORDER WITH A HARPER DUIDE CONDENSER MICROPHONE MOUNTED ON A CARBON-FLIED TRIPOD WITH AN OVERDRIVE FLUED-HEAD. I ALSO YOU JUICE AND A BAGLE!
FREDDIE BRINGS A TRAY OVER TO CARLY THAT HAS AND A BAGLE ON IT. JUST THEN, SAM WALKS IN THE DOOR.
HEY, YOU INVITED THE DOOF!
SAM!
FREDDIE PUTS ON TABLE.
FREDDIE: AW, MAN! I DIDNT KNOW WAS GONNA BE HERE!
SHE, FREDDIE. IM A SHE, AS IN GIRL.
BARELY.
OOOHHH!
FREDDIE: YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY AV EQUIPMENT.
SAM: SO YOU MEAN I CANT TOUCH THE WHITE-BALANCE ON SUPERTY-DUPERTY CAMCORDER?
FREDDIE: OH, SURE. JOKE ABOUT THE WHITE-BALANCE TILL THE GO MAGENTA!
SAM WALKS OVER TO AND CLEARS HER THROAT.
SAM: CARLY WILL NEVER YOU
FREDDIE: OKAY. THATS IT. IM MY STUFF AND IM GOING HOME.
FREDDIE UP HIS CAMERA.
(IN A SWEET VOICE) PLEASE STAY!
FREDDIE PUTS HIS DOWN.
OKAY.
SCENE PART 2 AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM IN SEATS AND FREDDIE HAS HIS CAMERA SET UP WITH THE FIRST AUDITION ONSTAGE.
CARLY: HEY, JEB. TO AUDITION?
JEB: YEAH. I BE PERFORMING A FRECH PLAY CALLED LE U E MAPHEME.
SAM:
CARLY: WE DONT KNOW THAT MEANS, BUT, KNOCK US OUT. (TURNS TO FREDDIE) ROLLING?
TURNS ON HIS CAMERA.
ROLLING.
JEB: BACK, BACK, DID SHE GO?
JEB PUTS A ON.
JEB: I KNOW!
JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF.
JEB: WHEN SHE BE BACK?
JEB PUTS HIS ON.
JEB: I KNOW!
JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF.
JEB: WELL CAN I FIND HER?
JEB PUTS HIS ON.
I TELL YOU, I DO NOT KNOW!
JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF AND SMILES, THEN CARLY AND SAM CLAP WHILE HE WALKS OFFSTAGE.
WHAT YA THINK?
CARLY: I KNOW!
YOU DONT KNOW?
CARLY: I YOU I DO NOT KNOW!
SAM: BUT YOU KNOW!
HOW CAN I KNOW IF I DO NOT KNOW?
SAM: I KNOW.
FOUR PART 3 AUDITIONS ROOM.
SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE PLAYING VIOLIN, AND SAM IS FALLING, BUT IS ASLEEP.
SCENE FOUR PART 4 AUDITIONS
OPENS WITH ONE BOY DOING BAD BALLET, AND CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE LOOK LIKE THEY ARE DISGUSTED.
SCENE PART 5 AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE WITH A TRUMPET IN HER HAND AND A LAYING ON THE STAGE STEPS, AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK TIRED.
TARAN: I WILL BE PLAYING TRUMPET.
COOL.
NICE.
TARAN: HOPPING ON THIS POGO-STICK.
TARAN PICKS UP AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK INTERESTED NOW. THEN TARAN STARTS HOPPING ON THE POGO-STICK AND PLAYING THE TRUMPET AT THE SAME TIME. THEN CARLY AND SAM STAND UP AND START TO CLAP.
NICE!
CARLY: NOW THATS IM TALKING ABOUT!
JUMP AND BLOW-HO!
SCENE PART 6 AUDITIONS ROOM
OPENS WITH KID STANDING ONSTAGE SAYING SOMETHING INTO THE MICROPHONE.
KID: THE MOM SAYS WHY DID YOU FAIL TO BRING HER IN? AND THEN THE DOG I LIKE DA EGGS! HA, HA, HA!
CARLY AND SAM START LAUGHING WHEN KID OFFSTAGE.
THANKS!
CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING.
THATS NOT FUNNY.
NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.
SAM WALKS TO THE STAGE AND CARLY STANDS UP.
SAM: WELL FORGET THAT. CAN WE PLEASE DISCUSS THE BOYS HAIR AND HE LOOKS LIKE MISS BRIGGS!
CARLY: (LAUGHING) YEAH. AT LEAST HE DOESNT BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS!
FREDDIE POINTS CAMERA AT CARLY AND SAM AND SAM OVER TO CARLY.
SAM: (LAUGHING) I KNOW. WHAT IS UP THOSE?
(STILL LAUGHING) ITS LIKE SHE STUFFS WAFFLE CONES IN HER BRA!
SAM: (STILL LAUGHING) SHE COULD POKE AN EYE OUT ONE OF THOSE THINGS!
CARLY: OKAY. THATS ENOUGH. WEVE STILL GOT (CARLY PAPER) ELEVEN PEOPLE TO SEE.
OOH! ELEVEN?
CARLY: CALM DOWN. IT GET WORSE.
SCENE FOUR PART 5 ROOM
SCENE WITH KID RAPPING HORRIBLY.
AND I WAS WRONG.
SCENE FIVE CARLYS AT NIGHT
OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SLEEPING ON THE COUCH AND THE TELEVISION IS ON. CARLY WAKES UP.
CARLY: (SLEEPY) SAM? HEY, WAKE UP!
PUTS HER FOOT ON SAMS FACE AND SHE WAKES UP. SAM SITS UP AND YAWNS.
SAM: TIME IS IT?
CARLY: LATE. YOURE MOM COMING TO PICK YOU UP?
SAM: SHES NOT. I TOLD HER YOU INVITED ME TO THE NIGHT.
CARLY: I DIDNT INVITE YOU TO THE NIGHT!
WELL YOU SHOULD CUZ IM NOT LEAVING.
CARLY WALKS OVER TO THE COMPUTER AND TYPING.
SAM: WHATCHA
CARLY: IM CHECKING TO SEE IF PUT THE AUDIOTIONS ONLINE. HE SAID HED UPLOAD THEM IN THE MORNING SO MISS BRIGGS COULD WATCH THEM ONLINE.
I HATE MISS BRIGGS. REMEMBER WHEN SHE CALLED ME A DEMON?
(YELLING) NO!
SAM: OH, YES. PUT THAT RAW CHICKEN IN HER PURSE
CARLY: UP AND COME LOOK AT THIS!
SAM WALKS TO CARLY AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM: WHAT? FREDDIE UPLOAD THE AUDIOTIONS?
NO. HE UPLOADED US!
SAM:
LOOK!
SAM WATCHES A VIDEO ON THE COMPUTER SHOWS THEM MAKING FUN OF MISS BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS.
SAM: US!
CARLY: IS!
FREDDIE WASNT SUPPOSED TO FILM US! WE WERE BEING ALL GOOFY AND ACTING LIKE IDIOTS ALL DAY!
CARLY SCARED.
CARLY: OH MY GOD! WE FUN OF MISS BRIGGS AND HER CRAZY POINTY BOOBS!
WHOA! IF SHE SEES THAT
CARLY: CAN SEE IT! ITS ON SLPASHFACE.
OKAY, CHILL-AX.
SAM AT THE COMPUTER.
SEE THE VIEWCOUNT? ONLY 27 PEOPLE HAVE CLICKED ON IT.
OH. OKAY, GOOD.
CARLY AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM?
SAM:
CARLY: (YELLING) 27,000!
SAM OUT OF CHAIR.