SCENE ONE PRINCIPALS SCENE WITH PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN LAUGHING AT PICTURE UNTIL MISS BRIGGS WALKS IN THE ROOM. MISS SHE IS RIGHT OUTSIDE. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: YES, GOOD. LETS A LITTLE TALK WITH HER. MISS CARLY, GET IN HERE. RIGHT NOW. MISS BRIGGS SNAPS HER FINGER AND WALKS IN. FRANKLIN: HAVE A SEAT. CARLY WALKS OVER TO A SEAT IN FRONT OF FRANKINS DESK AND SITS IN IT. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: SO, I YOU PUT SOME FLYERS UP ALL OVER THE SCHOOL. YES, I DID. BRIGGS: PUNK! PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: BRIGGS! BRIGGS: IM CALM. PRINCIPAL CARLY, THIS FLYER, ITITIT, IS UMI-ITS UH FRANKLIN BREAKS OUT LAUGHING. MISS BRIGGS: ITS NOT FUNNY! (TURNS TO CARLY) WHY WOULD YOU PHOTODOC MY HEAD THE BODY OF A RHINOCEROS? WELL, I PRINCIPAL RHINOCEROS? OH NO, NO, NO. YOU MADE HER A HIPPOPOTAMUS. CARLY: NO, NO. A RHINOCEROS. A HIPPO HAS FATTER THIGHS AND A WIDER SNOUT. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: I THE RHINOS HAD FAT THIGHS? CARLY: WELL, IF YOU PICTURE THE TWO TOGETHER, YOU REALLY TELL AND PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN START ARGUING. MISS BRIGGS: OH, OH, OH, DOES IT REALLY MATTER? I THINK WE CALL HER FATHER IN TO DISGUSS THIS. CARLY: MY FATHERS STATIONED IN EUROPE NOW. FRANKLIN: HES IN THE MILITARY. MISS BRIGGS: THERE MUST BE SOME ADULT IN CHARGE OF HER! CARLY: MY BROTHER, SPENCER. MISS OH, YES. THE ARTIST. CARLY: HES A ARTIST! PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OKAY, I DONT THINK WE NEED TO CALL HER BROTHER IN ABOUT THIS. IM SURE THAT YOU CAN COME UP WITH A SUITABLE MISS (CHUCKLES) FINE. YOU KNOW, CARLY, I AM IN CHARGE OF THE TALENT SHOW THIS YEAR. CARLY: YEAH, YOURE HOLDING THE ON SATURDAY. MISS NO. YOU ARE! HUH? MISS BRIGGS: I WILL BE ENJOYING MY SATURDAY WHILE YOU THE AUDITIONS FOR ME. BRIGGS GIVES CARLY A PAPER AND CARLY TAKES IT. CARLY: NO! IM TO SEE CUDDLEFISH PLAY LIVE AT THE HAWTHORNE ON SATURDAY! BRIGGS: NOT ANYMORE. CARLY: AW, ON! MISS ITS WHAT YOU GET FOR TURNING ME INTO A HIPPOPOTAMUS. RHINOCEROS. MISS BRIGGS: (YELLING AND TO THE DOOR) GET OUT! RIGHT. CARLY HER STUFF AND LEAVES.
TWO MAIN HALLWAY SCENE OPENS WITH SAM HOLDING A KID BY HIS AND PUSHING HIM AGAINST A LOCKER. LET ME GO! SAM: SAY SORRY! IM SORRY. SAM: NOW ARE YOU SORRY FOR? KID: FOR YOURE IGGRESIVE! SAM KID AGAINST THE LOCKER AGAIN AND CARLY WALKS INTO SAME HALL AND ROLLS HER EYES. SAM: AND WHAT AM I KID: AND SWEET. SAM: THANK YOU. NOW THE TIME INTERUPTS BY PULLING SAMS HAIR OVER TO HER LOCKER. OW! HAIR, HAIR, HAIR! (ANGRY) HI! SAM: DID YOU GET IN CARLY: (STILL ANGRY) OF COURSE I GOT IN TROUBLE! TEACHERS TEND TO GET UPSET WHEN YOU PUT THEIR HEADS ON THE BODIES OF BIG FAT ANIMALS! I CANT BELIEVE I LET YOU TALK ME INTO TAKING THE FOR YOU! SAM: YOU HAD TO! IVE BEEN SUSPENDED ONCE THIS SEMESTER. IF I HAD GOTTEN BUSTED, SHE WOULDVE EXPELLED ME. CARLY: (IN A VOICE) WELL HERES AN IDEA. SAM: CARLY: (ANGRY AGAIN) DOING BAD THINGS! CARLY OVER TO HER LOCKER AND SAM FOLLOWS. HEY, CHILL-AX! CARLY: I WILL NOT CHILL-AX. AND GET EXCITED, BECAUSE YOU AND I GET TO SPEND OUR ENTIRE HERE. VIDEOTAPING KIDS AUDITIONS FOR THE TALENT SHOW. NO WAY, GROSS. CARLY: SORRY. ITS MY PUNISHMENT, SO NOW ITS YOUR TOO! ALRIGHT. WHAT-EV. CARLY: YOU KNOW, ANYBODY BUT ME PUNCH YOU RIGHT IN THE HEAD. SAM: IS WHY YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND! GOOD TO KNOW. KNOW WHY ARE YOU MINE? CARLY WALKS INTO A CLASSROOM AND SAM FOLLOWS, PUSHING THE KID INTO A LOCKER AGAIN. SAM: IM A LOVEABLE PERSON!
SCENE CARLYS APARTMENT SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY GOING TO HER APARTMENT DOOR AND PUTTING HER WATER BOTTLE AWAY BUT IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR. THEN FREDDIE RUNNING OUT FROM HIS APARTMENT ACROSS THE HALL AND GRABS IT THEN PUTS IT IN FRONT OF CARLYS FACE. YOU DROPPED THIS! CARLY TAKES THE BOTTLE. UH, THANKS. BUT YOU FREDDIE: I WAS GONNA WALK YOU HOME SCHOOL, BUT I COULDNT FIND YOU. HEY! CARLY: FREDDIE, WERE YOU JUST LOOKING OUT YOUR PEEPHOLE WAITING FOR ME TO COME (LAUGHING) NO-HO-HO! FREDDIE. YES. CARLY: I THOUGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THIS. WE CAN BE BUDS, BUT YOUVE GET OVER THIS CRUSH THING. FREDDIE: I AM IT. SERIOUSLY. IM IN LOVE YOU, YOU JUST WANNA BE FRIENDS. AND IM TOTALLY COOL LIVING WITH THAT CONSTANT PAIN. OH GOD. CARLY WALKS OVER TO HER DOOR AND THE KEYS IN THE KEYSLOT, BUT TURNED AROUND. FREDDIE: OH, HEY! I HEAR YOU TO BORROW A CAMCORDER, TO TAPE SOME AUDITIONS. CARLY: YEAH, BUT ILL USE MY BROTHERS. PULLS OUT HIS PHONE. FREDDIE: WELL, IF YOU YOUR MIND, YOU KNOW MY DIGITS. CARLY: HEY, YOU GOT A NEW PHONE. FREDDIE: YOU CAN IT! OPENS HER DOOR AND RUNS INSIDE. IM HOME. HEY, KIDDO. UP HERE. CARLY UP AT THE CEILING. SPENCER: IM TAKING PICS OF MY ROBOT SCULPTURE. SMILE! SPENCER POINTS AT SCULPTURE AND TAKES A PICTURE. CARLY: YOU KNOW, FOR MOST EIGHTH GRADE GIRLS, IF THEY CAME HOME AND FOUND THEIR TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD BROTHER DANGLING UPSIDE DOWN THEIR CEILING OVER A GIANT ROBOT MADE OUT OF SODA BOTTLES, ITD BE WEIRD. YOURE SAYING IM ABNORMAL? CARLY: DO I NEED TO SAY IT? GET DOWN FROM THERE YOU HURT YOURSELF! SPENCER: NO WORRIES. IVE GOT MY LEG WRAPPED THIS PIPE SPENCER ON THE FLOOR AND SCREAMS. CARLY: I CANT YOURE IN CHARGE OF ME. SPENCER: PLEASE ME STAND UP. HELPS SPENCER UP. CARLY: ARE YOU SPENCER: YEP! NOPE! I DISLOCATED MY AGAIN. ONE SEC. SPENCER FALLS ON HIS LEFT SHOULDER AND GETS UP. SPENCER: YEP! FIXED HER. GOOD. LISTEN, I NEED A FAVOR. SHOOT. CARLY: I HAVE TO TAPE A OF AUDITIONS AT SCHOOL ON SATURDAY. FUN! CARLY: YEAH, NOT REALLY. ANYWAY, I WAS WONDERING IF I BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. I WOULD AWESOME! THOUGH, I CANT. CARLY: WHY SPENCER STARTS AND BRINGS OUT HIS CAMERA THATS DISGUISED TO LOOK LIKE A SQUIRREL. SPENCER: I IT INTO A SQUIRREL.
FOUR PART 1 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH WALKING IN THE DOOR ON THE PHONE. CARLY: I TOLD YOU THE FRONT DOORS BE LOCKEDYOU GOTTA GO TO THE BLUE DOORS IN THE BACK OF THEOH MY GOD! CARLY IS INTERUPTED BY HER NOTICE OF FREDDIE WITH A HUGE AND COMPUTER AND VIDEOCAMERA SET UP. MORNING, CARLY. SEE YA IN A SEC. CARLY UP. FREDDIE! FREDDIE: WHAT DO YOU OF MY EQUIPMENT? I JUST ASKED TO BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. WHAT IS ALL THIS? FREDDIE: WELL, THATS A 3-SHIP HI-DEF CAMCORDER WITH A HARPER DUIDE CONDENSER MOUNTED ON A CARBON-FLIED TRIPOD WITH AN OVERDRIVE FLUED-HEAD. I ALSO BROUGHT YOU JUICE AND A BAGLE! FREDDIE BRINGS A TRAY OVER TO CARLY THAT HAS JUICE AND A BAGLE ON IT. JUST THEN, SAM IN THE DOOR. HEY, YOU INVITED THE DOOF! SAM! FREDDIE TRAY ON TABLE. FREDDIE: AW, MAN! I KNOW THAT WAS GONNA BE HERE! SHE, FREDDIE. IM A SHE, AS IN GIRL. BARELY. OOOHHH! FREDDIE: YOU JUST KEEP YOUR OFF MY AV EQUIPMENT. SO YOU MEAN I CANT TOUCH THE WHITE-BALANCE ON YOUR SUPERTY-DUPERTY CAMCORDER? FREDDIE: OH, SURE. JOKE ABOUT THE WHITE-BALANCE THE SKINTONES GO MAGENTA! SAM OVER TO FREDDIE AND CLEARS HER THROAT. SAM: CARLY NEVER LOVE YOU FREDDIE: OKAY. THATS IT. IM TAKING MY AND IM GOING HOME. PICKS UP HIS CAMERA. CARLY: (IN A VOICE) PLEASE STAY! PUTS HIS CAMERA DOWN. OKAY. SCENE FOUR PART 2 ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SITTING IN SEATS AND FREDDIE HAS HIS CAMERA SET UP WITH THE AUDITION ONSTAGE. HEY, JEB. READY TO AUDITION? JEB: YEAH. I WILL BE PERFORMING A FRECH CALLED LE U E MAPHEME. OKAY CARLY: WE DONT KNOW THAT MEANS, BUT, KNOCK US OUT. (TURNS TO FREDDIE) ROLLING? FREDDIE ON HIS CAMERA. ROLLING. JEB: BACK, BACK, DID SHE GO? JEB PUTS A ON. I DONT KNOW! JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF. JEB: WHEN SHE BE BACK? JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON. JEB: I KNOW! JEB TAKES HIS OFF. JEB: WELL WHERE CAN I FIND JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON. JEB: I YOU, I DO NOT KNOW! JEB TAKES HIS MUSTACHE OFF AND SMILES, CARLY AND SAM CLAP WHILE HE WALKS OFFSTAGE. SAM: WHAT YA CARLY: I KNOW! SAM: YOU KNOW? CARLY: I YOU I DO NOT KNOW! SAM: BUT YOU KNOW! CARLY: HOW CAN I IF I DO NOT KNOW? I DONT KNOW. SCENE FOUR 3 AUDITIONS ROOM. SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE PLAYING VIOLIN, AND SAM IS FALLING, BUT IS ASLEEP. FOUR PART 4 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH ONE BOY DOING BAD BALLET, AND CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE LOOK THEY ARE DISGUSTED. SCENE FOUR PART 5 AUDITIONS SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE WITH A TRUMPET IN HER HAND AND A POGO-STICK LAYING ON THE STAGE STEPS, AND CARLY AND SAM TIRED. TARAN: I WILL BE PLAYING TRUMPET. COOL. NICE. TARAN: HOPPING ON THIS POGO-STICK. TARAN PICKS UP POGO-STICK AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK INTERESTED NOW. THEN TARAN STARTS HOPPING ON THE POGO-STICK AND PLAYING THE AT THE SAME TIME. THEN CARLY AND SAM STAND UP AND START TO CLAP. NICE! CARLY: NOW THATS WHAT IM ABOUT! SAM: AND BLOW-HO! SCENE PART 6 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH KID STANDING SAYING SOMETHING INTO THE MICROPHONE. KID: THE MOM WHY DID YOU FAIL TO BRING HER IN? AND THEN THE DOG SAYS I LIKE DA EGGS! HA, HA, HA! CARLY AND SAM START LAUGHING KID WALKS OFFSTAGE. THANKS! CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING. SAM: NOT FUNNY. NO, NO, NOT AT ALL. SAM WALKS TO THE STAGE AND CARLY STANDS UP. SAM: WELL FORGET THAT. CAN WE DISCUSS THE BOYS HAIR AND GLASSES? HE LOOKS LIKE MISS BRIGGS! CARLY: (LAUGHING) YEAH. AT LEAST HE DOESNT MISS BRIGGS POINTY BOOBS! FREDDIE POINTS CAMERA AT AND SAM AND SAM WALKS OVER TO CARLY. SAM: (LAUGHING) I KNOW. WHAT IS UP WITH (STILL LAUGHING) ITS LIKE SHE STUFFS WAFFLE CONES IN HER BRA! SAM: (STILL LAUGHING) SHE POKE AN EYE OUT WITH ONE OF THOSE THINGS! CARLY: OKAY. THATS ENOUGH. WEVE GOT (CARLY CHECKS PAPER) ELEVEN PEOPLE TO SEE. SAM: OOH! CARLY: CALM DOWN. IT GET WORSE. FOUR PART 5 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS KID RAPPING HORRIBLY. AND I WAS WRONG. SCENE FIVE APARTMENT AT NIGHT SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SLEEPING ON THE AND THE TELEVISION IS ON. CARLY WAKES UP. CARLY: (SLEEPY) SAM? HEY, WAKE UP! CARLY PUTS HER FOOT ON SAMS AND SHE WAKES UP. SAM SITS UP AND YAWNS. WHAT TIME IS IT? CARLY: LATE. YOURE MOM COMING TO PICK YOU UP? SAM: SHES NOT. I HER YOU INVITED ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT. CARLY: I DIDNT INVITE YOU TO THE NIGHT! SAM: WELL YOU CUZ IM NOT LEAVING. CARLY WALKS TO THE COMPUTER AND STARTS TYPING. SAM: DOIN? CARLY: IM CHECKING TO SEE IF FREDDIE PUT THE AUDIOTIONS ONLINE. HE SAID HED UPLOAD IN THE MORNING SO MISS BRIGGS COULD WATCH THEM ONLINE. I HATE MISS BRIGGS. REMEMBER WHEN SHE CALLED ME A DEMON? (YELLING) NO! SAM: OH, YES. SOMEONE PUT RAW CHICKEN IN HER PURSE CARLY: UP AND COME LOOK AT THIS! SAM WALKS TO CARLY AT THE COMPUTER. WHAT? FREDDIE DIDNT UPLOAD THE AUDIOTIONS? CARLY: NO. HE US! WHAT? LOOK! SAM WATCHES A ON THE COMPUTER THAT SHOWS THEM MAKING FUN OF MISS BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS. THATS US! CARLY: IS! SAM: FREDDIE WASNT SUPPOSED TO FILM US! WE WERE BEING ALL GOOFY AND LIKE IDIOTS ALL DAY! LOOKS SCARED. CARLY: OH MY GOD! WE MADE FUN OF BRIGGS AND HER CRAZY POINTY BOOBS! SAM: WHOA! IF SHE THAT ANYONE CAN SEE IT! ITS ON SLPASHFACE. OKAY, CHILL-AX. SAM AT THE COMPUTER. SEE THE VIEWCOUNT? ONLY 27 PEOPLE HAVE CLICKED ON IT. OH. OKAY, GOOD. CARLY AT THE COMPUTER. SAM? SAM: CARLY: (YELLING) 27,000! SAM OUT OF CHAIR.