SCENE ONE PRINCIPALS SCENE OPENS WITH PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN LAUGHING AT PICTURE UNTIL BRIGGS WALKS IN THE ROOM. MISS SHE IS RIGHT OUTSIDE. PRINCIPAL YES, GOOD. LETS HAVE A LITTLE TALK WITH HER. BRIGGS: CARLY, GET IN HERE. RIGHT NOW. MISS BRIGGS SNAPS HER FINGER AND CARLY IN. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: A SEAT. CARLY WALKS OVER TO A SEAT IN FRONT OF PRINCIPAL DESK AND SITS IN IT. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: SO, I UNDERSTAND YOU PUT SOME FLYERS UP ALL THE SCHOOL. YES, I DID. MISS PUNK! PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: BRIGGS! BRIGGS: IM CALM. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: CARLY, THIS FLYER, ITITIT, IS UH PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN OUT LAUGHING. MISS BRIGGS: ITS NOT FUNNY! (TURNS TO CARLY) WHY WOULD YOU PHOTODOC MY HEAD ONTO THE BODY OF A WELL, I PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OH NO, NO, NO. YOU MADE HER A HIPPOPOTAMUS. CARLY: NO, NO. SHES A RHINOCEROS. A HIPPO HAS FATTER AND A WIDER SNOUT. PRINCIPAL I THOUGHT THE RHINOS HAD FAT THIGHS? CARLY: WELL, IF YOU THE TWO TOGETHER, YOU COULD REALLY TELL CARLY AND FRANKLIN START ARGUING. MISS BRIGGS: OH, OH, OH, DOES IT REALLY MATTER? I WE SHOULD CALL HER FATHER IN TO DISGUSS THIS. CARLY: MY FATHERS IN EUROPE RIGHT NOW. FRANKLIN: HES IN THE MILITARY. MISS BRIGGS: WELL THERE MUST BE SOME ADULT IN OF HER! MY OLDER BROTHER, SPENCER. MISS OH, YES. THE ARTIST. CARLY: HES A ARTIST! PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OKAY, I DONT THINK WE TO CALL HER BROTHER IN ABOUT THIS. IM SURE THAT YOU CAN COME UP WITH A SUITABLE PUNISHMENT? BRIGGS: (CHUCKLES) FINE. YOU KNOW, CARLY, I AM IN CHARGE OF THE TALENT SHOW THIS YEAR. CARLY: YEAH, YOURE HOLDING THE ON SATURDAY. BRIGGS: NO. YOU ARE! CARLY: MISS BRIGGS: I WILL BE MY SATURDAY WHILE YOU TAPE THE AUDITIONS FOR ME. BRIGGS GIVES CARLY A PAPER AND CARLY TAKES IT. CARLY: NO! IM GOING TO SEE CUDDLEFISH PLAY AT THE HAWTHORNE ON SATURDAY! BRIGGS: NOT ANYMORE. CARLY: AW, ON! MISS BRIGGS: ITS WHAT YOU GET FOR ME INTO A HIPPOPOTAMUS. RHINOCEROS. MISS BRIGGS: (YELLING AND TO THE DOOR) GET OUT! RIGHT. CARLY HER STUFF AND LEAVES.
SCENE TWO MAIN SCENE OPENS WITH SAM HOLDING A KID BY HIS COLLAR AND PUSHING HIM A LOCKER. LET ME GO! SAM: SAY SORRY! IM SORRY. SAM: NOW WHAT ARE YOU FOR? FOR SAYING YOURE IGGRESIVE! SAM PUSHES KID AGAINST THE LOCKER AGAIN AND CARLY INTO SAME HALL AND ROLLS HER EYES. SAM: AND AM I AGAIN? KID: AND SWEET. SAM: THANK YOU. NOW THE NEXT CARLY INTERUPTS BY PULLING SAMS OVER TO HER LOCKER. OW! HAIR, HAIR, HAIR! (ANGRY) HI! SAM: DID YOU GET IN CARLY: (STILL ANGRY) OF I GOT IN TROUBLE! TEACHERS TEND TO GET UPSET WHEN YOU PUT THEIR HEADS ON THE BODIES OF BIG FAT ANIMALS! I CANT BELIEVE I LET YOU TALK ME INTO TAKING THE BLAME FOR YOU! SAM: YOU HAD TO! IVE ALREADY BEEN SUSPENDED ONCE THIS SEMESTER. IF I HAD GOTTEN BUSTED, SHE WOULDVE ME. CARLY: (IN A SWEET VOICE) HERES AN IDEA. WHAT? CARLY: (ANGRY AGAIN) DOING BAD THINGS! CARLY WALKS TO HER LOCKER AND SAM FOLLOWS. HEY, CHILL-AX! CARLY: I WILL NOT CHILL-AX. AND GET EXCITED, BECAUSE YOU AND I GET TO SPEND OUR ENTIRE SATURDAY HERE. VIDEOTAPING KIDS AUDITIONS FOR THE SHOW. NO WAY, GROSS. CARLY: SORRY. ITS MY PUNISHMENT, SO NOW ITS YOUR TOO! ALRIGHT. WHAT-EV. CARLY: YOU KNOW, ANYBODY BUT ME WOULD PUNCH YOU IN THE HEAD. SAM: WHICH IS WHY YOU ARE MY FRIEND! GOOD TO KNOW. KNOW WHY ARE YOU MINE? CARLY WALKS INTO A CLASSROOM AND SAM FOLLOWS, PUSHING THE SAME KID INTO A AGAIN. SAM: BECAUSE IM A PERSON!
THREE CARLYS APARTMENT SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY GOING TO HER APARTMENT DOOR AND PUTTING HER WATER BOTTLE AWAY BUT IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR. THEN FREDDIE COMES RUNNING OUT FROM HIS APARTMENT ACROSS THE HALL AND GRABS IT THEN PUTS IT IN FRONT OF FACE. FREDDIE: YOU THIS! TAKES THE WATER BOTTLE. UH, THANKS. BUT YOU FREDDIE: I WAS GONNA WALK YOU HOME FROM SCHOOL, BUT I FIND YOU. HEY! CARLY: FREDDIE, WERE YOU LOOKING OUT YOUR PEEPHOLE WAITING FOR ME TO COME HOME? (LAUGHING) NO-HO-HO! FREDDIE. YES. CARLY: I THOUGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THIS. WE CAN BE BUDS, BUT YOUVE GOTTA GET THIS CRUSH THING. FREDDIE: I AM OVER IT. SERIOUSLY. IM IN LOVE YOU, YOU JUST BE FRIENDS. AND IM TOTALLY COOL LIVING WITH THAT CONSTANT PAIN. OH GOD. CARLY OVER TO HER DOOR AND PUTS THE KEYS IN THE KEYSLOT, BUT TURNED AROUND. FREDDIE: OH, HEY! I HEAR YOU TO BORROW A CAMCORDER, TO TAPE SOME AUDITIONS. YEAH, BUT ILL JUST USE MY BROTHERS. FREDDIE OUT HIS PHONE. WELL, IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND, YOU KNOW MY DIGITS. CARLY: HEY, YOU GOT A NEW PHONE. YOU CAN HAVE IT! CARLY OPENS HER DOOR AND INSIDE. IM HOME. HEY, KIDDO. UP HERE. CARLY UP AT THE CEILING. IM TAKING SOME PICS OF MY ROBOT SCULPTURE. SMILE! SPENCER CAMERA AT SCULPTURE AND TAKES A PICTURE. CARLY: YOU KNOW, FOR MOST EIGHTH GRADE GIRLS, IF THEY CAME HOME AND FOUND THEIR BROTHER DANGLING UPSIDE DOWN FROM THEIR CEILING OVER A GIANT ROBOT MADE OUT OF SODA BOTTLES, ITD BE WEIRD. SPENCER: YOURE IM ABNORMAL? CARLY: DO I NEED TO SAY IT? GET DOWN THERE BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF! SPENCER: NO WORRIES. IVE GOT MY LEG WRAPPED AROUND THIS FALLS ON THE FLOOR AND SCREAMS. CARLY: I CANT YOURE IN CHARGE OF ME. PLEASE HELP ME STAND UP. CARLY HELPS UP. CARLY: ARE YOU YEP! NOPE! I DISLOCATED MY SHOULDER AGAIN. ONE SEC. SPENCER FALLS ON HIS LEFT SHOULDER AND GETS UP. SPENCER: YEP! THAT HER. GOOD. LISTEN, I NEED A FAVOR. SHOOT. CARLY: I HAVE TO A BUCH OF AUDITIONS AT SCHOOL ON SATURDAY. FUN! CARLY: YEAH, NOT REALLY. ANYWAY, I WAS IF I COULD BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. I WOULD AWESOME! THOUGH, I CANT. CARLY: WHY SPENCER STARTS LAUGHING AND BRINGS OUT HIS CAMERA DISGUISED TO LOOK LIKE A SQUIRREL. SPENCER: I IT INTO A SQUIRREL.
SCENE FOUR PART 1 ROOM OPENS WITH CARLY WALKING IN THE DOOR ON THE PHONE. CARLY: I TOLD YOU THE FRONT DOORS WOULD BE LOCKEDYOU GO TO THE BLUE DOORS IN THE BACK OF THEOH MY GOD! CARLY IS INTERUPTED BY HER NOTICE OF FREDDIE WITH A HUGE AND ADVANCED AND VIDEOCAMERA SET UP. MORNING, CARLY. SEE YA IN A SEC. CARLY UP. FREDDIE! FREDDIE: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY CARLY: I ASKED TO BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. WHAT IS ALL THIS? FREDDIE: WELL, THATS A 3-SHIP HI-DEF CAMCORDER WITH A HARPER DUIDE CONDENSER MOUNTED ON A CARBON-FLIED TRIPOD WITH AN OVERDRIVE FLUED-HEAD. I ALSO BROUGHT YOU JUICE AND A BAGLE! FREDDIE BRINGS A TRAY OVER TO CARLY THAT HAS JUICE AND A ON IT. JUST THEN, SAM WALKS IN THE DOOR. HEY, YOU INVITED THE DOOF! SAM! FREDDIE TRAY ON TABLE. FREDDIE: AW, MAN! I DIDNT KNOW THAT WAS BE HERE! SHE, FREDDIE. IM A SHE, AS IN GIRL. BARELY. OOOHHH! FREDDIE: YOU JUST YOUR HANDS OFF MY AV EQUIPMENT. SO YOU MEAN I CANT TOUCH THE WHITE-BALANCE ON YOUR SUPERTY-DUPERTY CAMCORDER? FREDDIE: OH, SURE. ABOUT THE WHITE-BALANCE TILL THE SKINTONES GO MAGENTA! SAM WALKS OVER TO AND CLEARS HER THROAT. SAM: WILL NEVER LOVE YOU FREDDIE: OKAY. IT. IM TAKING MY STUFF AND IM GOING HOME. PICKS UP HIS CAMERA. CARLY: (IN A VOICE) PLEASE STAY! PUTS HIS CAMERA DOWN. OKAY. SCENE FOUR PART 2 ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SITTING IN SEATS AND FREDDIE HAS HIS SET UP WITH THE FIRST AUDITION ONSTAGE. HEY, JEB. READY TO AUDITION? JEB: YEAH. I WILL BE A FRECH PLAY CALLED LE U E MAPHEME. SAM: CARLY: WE DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT, US OUT. (TURNS TO FREDDIE) ROLLING? FREDDIE ON HIS CAMERA. ROLLING. JEB: BACK, BACK, DID SHE GO? JEB PUTS A ON. JEB: I KNOW! JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF. JEB: WILL SHE BE BACK? JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON. JEB: I KNOW! JEB TAKES HIS OFF. JEB: WELL WHERE CAN I HER? JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON. I TELL YOU, I DO NOT KNOW! JEB TAKES HIS MUSTACHE OFF AND SMILES, THEN CARLY AND SAM CLAP HE WALKS OFFSTAGE. WHAT YA THINK? CARLY: I KNOW! SAM: YOU KNOW? I TELL YOU I DO NOT KNOW! SAM: BUT YOU KNOW! CARLY: HOW CAN I IF I DO NOT KNOW? SAM: I KNOW. SCENE PART 3 AUDITIONS ROOM. SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE VIOLIN, AND SAM IS FALLING, BUT CARLY IS ASLEEP. FOUR PART 4 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH ONE BOY DOING BAD BALLET, AND CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE LIKE THEY ARE DISGUSTED. SCENE FOUR PART 5 ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE WITH A TRUMPET IN HER HAND AND A POGO-STICK LAYING ON THE STEPS, AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK TIRED. TARAN: I BE PLAYING THIS TRUMPET. COOL. NICE. TARAN: HOPPING ON THIS POGO-STICK. TARAN PICKS UP POGO-STICK AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK INTERESTED NOW. THEN TARAN STARTS HOPPING ON THE AND PLAYING THE TRUMPET AT THE SAME TIME. THEN CARLY AND SAM STAND UP AND START TO CLAP. NICE! CARLY: NOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT! JUMP AND BLOW-HO! SCENE FOUR PART 6 ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH KID ONSTAGE SAYING SOMETHING INTO THE MICROPHONE. KID: THE MOM WHY DID YOU FAIL TO BRING HER IN? AND THEN THE DOG SAYS I LIKE DA EGGS! HA, HA, HA! AND SAM START LAUGHING WHEN KID WALKS OFFSTAGE. THANKS! CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING. THATS NOT FUNNY. NO, NO, NOT AT ALL. SAM WALKS OVER TO THE STAGE AND STANDS UP. SAM: FORGET THAT. CAN WE PLEASE DISCUSS THE BOYS HAIR AND GLASSES? HE LOOKS LIKE MISS BRIGGS! CARLY: (LAUGHING) YEAH. AT HE DOESNT MISS BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS! FREDDIE CAMERA AT CARLY AND SAM AND SAM WALKS OVER TO CARLY. SAM: (LAUGHING) I KNOW. WHAT IS UP WITH CARLY: (STILL LAUGHING) ITS LIKE SHE STUFFS CONES IN HER BRA! SAM: (STILL LAUGHING) SHE POKE AN EYE OUT WITH ONE OF THOSE THINGS! CARLY: OKAY. THATS ENOUGH. WEVE STILL GOT (CARLY PAPER) ELEVEN PEOPLE TO SEE. SAM: OOH! CARLY: DOWN. IT CANT GET WORSE. SCENE PART 5 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS KID RAPPING HORRIBLY. AND I WAS WRONG. SCENE FIVE CARLYS APARTMENT AT SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM ON THE COUCH AND THE TELEVISION IS ON. CARLY WAKES UP. (SLEEPY) SAM? HEY, SAM? WAKE UP! CARLY PUTS HER FOOT ON SAMS FACE AND SHE UP. SAM SITS UP AND YAWNS. SAM: WHAT IS IT? CARLY: LATE. WHENS YOURE MOM COMING TO YOU UP? SAM: SHES NOT. I TOLD HER YOU ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT. I DIDNT INVITE YOU TO SPEND THE NIGHT! SAM: WELL YOU CUZ IM NOT LEAVING. CARLY WALKS OVER TO THE COMPUTER AND TYPING. SAM: DOIN? CARLY: IM TO SEE IF FREDDIE PUT THE AUDIOTIONS ONLINE. HE SAID HED UPLOAD THEM IN THE MORNING SO MISS BRIGGS COULD WATCH THEM ONLINE. I HATE MISS BRIGGS. REMEMBER WHEN SHE CALLED ME A DEMON? (YELLING) NO! SAM: OH, YES. SOMEONE PUT THAT RAW IN HER PURSE CARLY: UP AND COME LOOK AT THIS! SAM WALKS TO CARLY AT THE COMPUTER. SAM: FREDDIE DIDNT UPLOAD THE AUDIOTIONS? CARLY: NO. HE US! WHAT? LOOK! SAM WATCHES A VIDEO ON THE THAT SHOWS THEM MAKING FUN OF MISS BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS. THATS US! CARLY: IS! SAM: FREDDIE WASNT SUPPOSED TO FILM US! WE WERE ALL GOOFY AND ACTING LIKE IDIOTS ALL DAY! CARLY SCARED. CARLY: OH MY GOD! WE MADE FUN OF MISS BRIGGS AND HER CRAZY BOOBS! WHOA! IF SHE SEES THAT CARLY: CAN SEE IT! ITS ON SLPASHFACE. OKAY, CHILL-AX. SAM AT THE COMPUTER. SEE THE VIEWCOUNT? ONLY 27 PEOPLE HAVE CLICKED ON IT. OH. OKAY, GOOD. CARLY AT THE COMPUTER. SAM? SAM: CARLY: (YELLING) 27,000! SAM OUT OF CHAIR.