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SCENE ONE PRINCIPALS
SCENE WITH PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN LAUGHING AT PICTURE UNTIL MISS BRIGGS WALKS IN THE ROOM.
MISS BRIGGS: SHE IS OUTSIDE.
FRANKLIN: YES, GOOD. LETS HAVE A LITTLE TALK WITH HER.
MISS BRIGGS: CARLY, GET IN HERE. NOW.
BRIGGS SNAPS HER FINGER AND CARLY WALKS IN.
PRINCIPAL HAVE A SEAT.
CARLY WALKS OVER TO A SEAT IN OF PRINCIPAL FRANKINS DESK AND SITS IN IT.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: SO, I UNDERSTAND YOU PUT FLYERS UP ALL OVER THE SCHOOL.
YES, I DID.
MISS PUNK!
PRINCIPAL MISS BRIGGS!
BRIGGS: IM CALM.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: CARLY, FLYER, ITITIT, IS UMI-ITS UH
PRINCIPAL BREAKS OUT LAUGHING.
MISS BRIGGS: ITS NOT FUNNY! (TURNS TO CARLY) WHY YOU PHOTODOC MY HEAD ONTO THE BODY OF A RHINOCEROS?
WELL, I
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OH NO, NO, NO. YOU MADE HER A HIPPOPOTAMUS.
CARLY: NO, NO. SHES A RHINOCEROS. A HIPPO HAS FATTER THIGHS AND A SNOUT.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: I THOUGHT THE RHINOS HAD FAT
CARLY: WELL, IF YOU THE TWO TOGETHER, YOU COULD REALLY TELL
AND PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN START ARGUING.
MISS BRIGGS: OH, OH, OH, DOES IT REALLY MATTER? I THINK WE SHOULD HER FATHER IN TO DISGUSS THIS.
MY FATHERS STATIONED IN EUROPE RIGHT NOW.
PRINCIPAL HES IN THE MILITARY.
MISS BRIGGS: WELL THERE MUST BE SOME ADULT IN OF HER!
MY OLDER BROTHER, SPENCER.
MISS OH, YES. THE ARTIST.
HES A GREAT ARTIST!
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OKAY, I DONT THINK WE NEED TO CALL HER BROTHER IN ABOUT THIS. IM SURE THAT YOU CAN COME UP WITH A PUNISHMENT?
BRIGGS: (CHUCKLES) FINE. YOU KNOW, CARLY, I AM IN CHARGE OF THE TALENT SHOW THIS YEAR.
CARLY: YEAH, YOURE THE AUDITIONS ON SATURDAY.
BRIGGS: NO. YOU ARE!
CARLY:
MISS BRIGGS: I BE ENJOYING MY SATURDAY WHILE YOU TAPE THE AUDITIONS FOR ME.
MISS BRIGGS GIVES CARLY A PAPER AND TAKES IT.
CARLY: NO! IM GOING TO SEE CUDDLEFISH PLAY LIVE AT THE ON SATURDAY!
BRIGGS: NOT ANYMORE.
CARLY: AW, ON!
MISS BRIGGS: ITS WHAT YOU GET FOR TURNING ME A HIPPOPOTAMUS.
RHINOCEROS.
MISS (YELLING AND POINTING TO THE DOOR) GET OUT!
RIGHT.
CARLY GRABS HER AND LEAVES.

SCENE TWO MAIN
SCENE OPENS WITH SAM A KID BY HIS COLLAR AND PUSHING HIM AGAINST A LOCKER.
LET ME GO!
SAM: SAY SORRY!
IM SORRY.
SAM: NOW WHAT ARE YOU FOR?
KID: FOR SAYING IGGRESIVE!
SAM PUSHES KID AGAINST THE LOCKER AGAIN AND CARLY WALKS INTO SAME AND ROLLS HER EYES.
SAM: AND AM I AGAIN?
PRETTY AND SWEET.
SAM: YOU. NOW THE NEXT TIME
CARLY INTERUPTS BY SAMS HAIR OVER TO HER LOCKER.
OW! HAIR, HAIR, HAIR!
(ANGRY) HI!
SAM: DID YOU GET IN
CARLY: (STILL ANGRY) OF I GOT IN TROUBLE! TEACHERS TEND TO GET UPSET WHEN YOU PUT THEIR HEADS ON THE BODIES OF BIG FAT ANIMALS! I CANT BELIEVE I LET YOU TALK ME INTO TAKING THE BLAME FOR YOU!
SAM: YOU HAD TO! IVE ALREADY BEEN SUSPENDED ONCE THIS SEMESTER. IF I HAD BUSTED, SHE WOULDVE EXPELLED ME.
CARLY: (IN A SWEET VOICE) HERES AN IDEA.
SAM:
CARLY: (ANGRY AGAIN) DOING BAD THINGS!
CARLY OVER TO HER LOCKER AND SAM FOLLOWS.
HEY, CHILL-AX!
CARLY: I WILL NOT CHILL-AX. AND GET EXCITED, BECAUSE YOU AND I GET TO SPEND OUR ENTIRE SATURDAY HERE. VIDEOTAPING KIDS FOR THE TALENT SHOW.
NO WAY, GROSS.
CARLY: SORRY. ITS MY PUNISHMENT, SO NOW ITS PUNISHMENT TOO!
ALRIGHT. WHAT-EV.
CARLY: YOU KNOW, ANYBODY BUT ME WOULD YOU RIGHT IN THE HEAD.
SAM: WHICH IS WHY YOU ARE MY FRIEND!
CARLY: GOOD TO KNOW. WHY ARE YOU MINE?
CARLY INTO A CLASSROOM AND SAM FOLLOWS, PUSHING THE SAME KID INTO A LOCKER AGAIN.
BECAUSE IM A LOVEABLE PERSON!

SCENE CARLYS APARTMENT
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY GOING TO HER APARTMENT DOOR AND PUTTING HER WATER BOTTLE AWAY BUT IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR. THEN FREDDIE COMES RUNNING OUT FROM HIS APARTMENT ACROSS THE AND GRABS IT THEN PUTS IT IN FRONT OF CARLYS FACE.
YOU DROPPED THIS!
CARLY THE WATER BOTTLE.
UH, THANKS. BUT YOU
FREDDIE: I WAS GONNA WALK YOU FROM SCHOOL, BUT I COULDNT FIND YOU. HEY!
CARLY: FREDDIE, WERE YOU JUST OUT YOUR PEEPHOLE WAITING FOR ME TO COME HOME?
(LAUGHING) NO-HO-HO!
FREDDIE.
YES.
CARLY: I THOUGHT WE ABOUT THIS. WE CAN BE BUDS, BUT YOUVE GOTTA GET OVER THIS CRUSH THING.
FREDDIE: I AM IT. SERIOUSLY. IM IN LOVE YOU, YOU JUST WANNA BE FRIENDS. AND IM TOTALLY COOL LIVING WITH THAT CONSTANT PAIN.
OH GOD.
CARLY WALKS TO HER DOOR AND PUTS THE KEYS IN THE KEYSLOT, BUT TURNED AROUND.
OH, HEY! I HEAR YOU NEED TO BORROW A CAMCORDER, TO TAPE SOME AUDITIONS.
CARLY: YEAH, BUT ILL USE MY BROTHERS.
PULLS OUT HIS PHONE.
FREDDIE: WELL, IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND, YOU MY DIGITS.
CARLY: HEY, YOU GOT A NEW PHONE.
FREDDIE: YOU CAN IT!
CARLY HER DOOR AND RUNS INSIDE.
IM HOME.
HEY, KIDDO. UP HERE.
CARLY UP AT THE CEILING.
SPENCER: IM TAKING SOME OF MY ROBOT SCULPTURE. SMILE!
POINTS CAMERA AT SCULPTURE AND TAKES A PICTURE.
CARLY: YOU KNOW, FOR MOST GRADE GIRLS, IF THEY CAME HOME AND FOUND THEIR TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD BROTHER DANGLING UPSIDE DOWN FROM THEIR CEILING OVER A GIANT ROBOT MADE OUT OF SODA BOTTLES, ITD BE WEIRD.
SPENCER: YOURE IM ABNORMAL?
CARLY: DO I TO SAY IT? GET DOWN FROM THERE BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF!
SPENCER: NO WORRIES. IVE GOT MY LEG AROUND THIS PIPE
SPENCER FALLS ON THE AND SCREAMS.
CARLY: I CANT YOURE IN CHARGE OF ME.
SPENCER: HELP ME STAND UP.
CARLY SPENCER UP.
CARLY: ARE YOU
SPENCER: YEP! NOPE! I DISLOCATED MY AGAIN. ONE SEC.
SPENCER ON HIS LEFT SHOULDER AND GETS BACK UP.
YEP! THAT FIXED HER.
CARLY: GOOD. LISTEN, I A FAVOR.
SHOOT.
CARLY: I HAVE TO TAPE A BUCH OF AT SCHOOL ON SATURDAY.
FUN!
CARLY: YEAH, NOT REALLY. ANYWAY, I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD BORROW VIDEOCAMERA.
SPENCER: I
AWESOME!
THOUGH, I CANT.
CARLY: WHY
SPENCER STARTS AND BRINGS OUT HIS CAMERA THATS DISGUISED TO LOOK LIKE A SQUIRREL.
SPENCER: I MADE IT A SQUIRREL.

SCENE FOUR PART 1 AUDITIONS
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY IN THE DOOR ON THE PHONE.
CARLY: I TOLD YOU THE FRONT WOULD BE LOCKEDYOU GOTTA GO TO THE BLUE DOORS IN THE BACK OF THEOH MY GOD!
CARLY IS INTERUPTED BY HER NOTICE OF FREDDIE WITH A HUGE AND COMPUTER AND VIDEOCAMERA SET UP.
MORNING, CARLY.
SEE YA IN A SEC.
CARLY UP.
FREDDIE!
FREDDIE: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY
CARLY: I ASKED TO BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. WHAT IS ALL THIS?
FREDDIE: WELL, THATS A 3-SHIP HI-DEF WITH A HARPER DUIDE CONDENSER MICROPHONE MOUNTED ON A CARBON-FLIED TRIPOD WITH AN OVERDRIVE FLUED-HEAD. I ALSO BROUGHT YOU JUICE AND A BAGLE!
BRINGS A TRAY OVER TO CARLY THAT HAS JUICE AND A BAGLE ON IT. JUST THEN, SAM WALKS IN THE DOOR.
SAM: HEY, YOU THE DOOF!
SAM!
FREDDIE PUTS ON TABLE.
FREDDIE: AW, MAN! I DIDNT KNOW WAS GONNA BE HERE!
SHE, FREDDIE. IM A SHE, AS IN GIRL.
BARELY.
OOOHHH!
FREDDIE: YOU JUST KEEP YOUR OFF MY AV EQUIPMENT.
SAM: SO YOU MEAN I CANT TOUCH THE WHITE-BALANCE ON YOUR SUPERTY-DUPERTY
FREDDIE: OH, SURE. JOKE ABOUT THE TILL THE SKINTONES GO MAGENTA!
SAM WALKS TO FREDDIE AND CLEARS HER THROAT.
SAM: WILL NEVER LOVE YOU
FREDDIE: OKAY. THATS IT. IM TAKING MY STUFF AND IM HOME.
PICKS UP HIS CAMERA.
CARLY: (IN A SWEET VOICE) STAY!
FREDDIE HIS CAMERA DOWN.
OKAY.
SCENE PART 2 AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SITTING IN SEATS AND FREDDIE HAS HIS CAMERA SET UP WITH THE AUDITION ONSTAGE.
HEY, JEB. READY TO AUDITION?
JEB: YEAH. I WILL BE PERFORMING A PLAY CALLED LE U E MAPHEME.
SAM:
CARLY: WE KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT, KNOCK US OUT. (TURNS TO FREDDIE) ROLLING?
TURNS ON HIS CAMERA.
ROLLING.
JEB: BACK, BACK, DID SHE GO?
JEB A MUSTACHE ON.
JEB: I KNOW!
JEB TAKES HIS OFF.
JEB: WHEN WILL SHE BE
JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON.
I DONT KNOW!
JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF.
JEB: WELL CAN I FIND HER?
JEB PUTS HIS ON.
I TELL YOU, I DO NOT KNOW!
JEB TAKES HIS OFF AND SMILES, THEN CARLY AND SAM CLAP WHILE HE WALKS OFFSTAGE.
SAM: WHAT YA
CARLY: I KNOW!
SAM: YOU KNOW?
I TELL YOU I DO NOT KNOW!
BUT YOU MUST KNOW!
CARLY: HOW CAN I KNOW IF I DO NOT
SAM: I KNOW.
SCENE FOUR PART 3 ROOM.
SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL PLAYING VIOLIN, AND SAM IS FALLING, BUT CARLY IS ASLEEP.
SCENE FOUR PART 4 AUDITIONS
OPENS WITH ONE BOY DOING BAD BALLET, AND CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE LOOK LIKE THEY ARE DISGUSTED.
SCENE FOUR 5 AUDITIONS ROOM
OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE WITH A TRUMPET IN HER HAND AND A POGO-STICK LAYING ON THE STAGE STEPS, AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK TIRED.
TARAN: I BE PLAYING THIS TRUMPET.
COOL.
NICE.
TARAN: HOPPING ON THIS POGO-STICK.
TARAN PICKS UP POGO-STICK AND AND SAM LOOK INTERESTED NOW. THEN TARAN STARTS HOPPING ON THE POGO-STICK AND PLAYING THE TRUMPET AT THE SAME TIME. THEN CARLY AND SAM STAND UP AND START TO CLAP.
NICE!
CARLY: NOW THATS IM TALKING ABOUT!
JUMP AND BLOW-HO!
SCENE PART 6 AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH KID STANDING SAYING SOMETHING INTO THE MICROPHONE.
KID: THE MOM SAYS WHY DID YOU FAIL TO HER IN? AND THEN THE DOG SAYS I LIKE DA EGGS! HA, HA, HA!
CARLY AND SAM START WHEN KID WALKS OFFSTAGE.
THANKS!
CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING.
THATS NOT FUNNY.
NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.
SAM OVER TO THE STAGE AND CARLY STANDS UP.
SAM: WELL FORGET THAT. CAN WE PLEASE THE BOYS HAIR AND GLASSES? HE LOOKS LIKE MISS BRIGGS!
CARLY: (LAUGHING) YEAH. AT LEAST HE DOESNT MISS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS!
FREDDIE CAMERA AT CARLY AND SAM AND SAM WALKS OVER TO CARLY.
SAM: (LAUGHING) I KNOW. WHAT IS UP WITH
(STILL LAUGHING) ITS LIKE SHE STUFFS WAFFLE CONES IN HER BRA!
SAM: (STILL LAUGHING) SHE COULD POKE AN EYE OUT WITH ONE OF THINGS!
CARLY: OKAY. THATS ENOUGH. WEVE STILL GOT (CARLY CHECKS PAPER) PEOPLE TO SEE.
SAM: OOH!
CARLY: CALM DOWN. IT GET WORSE.
FOUR PART 5 AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE WITH KID RAPPING HORRIBLY.
AND I WAS WRONG.
SCENE FIVE CARLYS APARTMENT AT
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SLEEPING ON THE COUCH AND THE IS ON. CARLY WAKES UP.
CARLY: (SLEEPY) SAM? HEY, WAKE UP!
PUTS HER FOOT ON SAMS FACE AND SHE WAKES UP. SAM SITS UP AND YAWNS.
SAM: WHAT IS IT?
CARLY: LATE. YOURE MOM COMING TO PICK YOU UP?
SHES NOT. I TOLD HER YOU INVITED ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT.
CARLY: I DIDNT YOU TO SPEND THE NIGHT!
SAM: WELL YOU CUZ IM NOT LEAVING.
CARLY WALKS OVER TO THE COMPUTER AND TYPING.
WHATCHA DOIN?
CARLY: IM CHECKING TO SEE IF FREDDIE PUT THE AUDIOTIONS ONLINE. HE SAID HED UPLOAD THEM IN THE MORNING SO MISS BRIGGS COULD THEM ONLINE.
SAM: I HATE MISS BRIGGS. REMEMBER SHE CALLED ME A DEMON?
(YELLING) NO!
SAM: OH, YES. PUT THAT RAW CHICKEN IN HER PURSE
CARLY: SHUT UP AND COME AT THIS!
SAM OVER TO CARLY AT THE COMPUTER.
WHAT? FREDDIE DIDNT UPLOAD THE AUDIOTIONS?
CARLY: NO. HE US!
WHAT?
LOOK!
SAM WATCHES A VIDEO ON THE COMPUTER THAT SHOWS THEM MAKING FUN OF MISS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS.
THATS US!
CARLY: IS!
SAM: WASNT SUPPOSED TO FILM US! WE WERE BEING ALL GOOFY AND ACTING LIKE IDIOTS ALL DAY!
CARLY SCARED.
CARLY: OH MY GOD! WE MADE FUN OF MISS BRIGGS AND HER CRAZY BOOBS!
SAM: WHOA! IF SHE THAT
CARLY: CAN SEE IT! ITS ON SLPASHFACE.
OKAY, CHILL-AX.
SAM AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM: SEE THE VIEWCOUNT? ONLY 27 PEOPLE HAVE ON IT.
OH. OKAY, GOOD.
CARLY AT THE COMPUTER.
CARLY:
SAM:
(YELLING) THATS 27,000!
SAM OUT OF CHAIR.