SCENE ONE OFFICE SCENE WITH PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN LAUGHING AT PICTURE UNTIL MISS BRIGGS WALKS IN THE ROOM. BRIGGS: SHE IS RIGHT OUTSIDE. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: YES, GOOD. LETS HAVE A TALK WITH HER. BRIGGS: CARLY, GET IN HERE. RIGHT NOW. MISS BRIGGS HER FINGER AND CARLY WALKS IN. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: A SEAT. CARLY OVER TO A SEAT IN FRONT OF PRINCIPAL FRANKINS DESK AND SITS IN IT. PRINCIPAL SO, I UNDERSTAND YOU PUT SOME FLYERS UP ALL OVER THE SCHOOL. YES, I DID. MISS PUNK! PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: BRIGGS! BRIGGS: IM CALM. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: CARLY, THIS FLYER, ITITIT, IS UH PRINCIPAL BREAKS OUT LAUGHING. MISS BRIGGS: ITS NOT FUNNY! (TURNS TO CARLY) WHY WOULD YOU PHOTODOC MY HEAD THE BODY OF A RHINOCEROS? WELL, I PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OH NO, NO, NO. YOU MADE HER A HIPPOPOTAMUS. NO, NO. SHES A RHINOCEROS. A HIPPO HAS FATTER THIGHS AND A WIDER SNOUT. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: I THOUGHT THE HAD FAT THIGHS? CARLY: WELL, IF YOU PICTURE THE TWO TOGETHER, YOU COULD REALLY AND PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN START ARGUING. MISS OH, OH, OH, DOES IT REALLY MATTER? I THINK WE SHOULD CALL HER FATHER IN TO DISGUSS THIS. MY FATHERS STATIONED IN EUROPE RIGHT NOW. PRINCIPAL HES IN THE MILITARY. MISS WELL THERE MUST BE SOME ADULT IN CHARGE OF HER! MY OLDER BROTHER, SPENCER. MISS OH, YES. THE ARTIST. CARLY: HES A ARTIST! PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OKAY, I DONT THINK WE NEED TO CALL HER BROTHER IN ABOUT THIS. IM SURE YOU CAN COME UP WITH A SUITABLE PUNISHMENT? MISS BRIGGS: (CHUCKLES) FINE. YOU KNOW, CARLY, I AM IN CHARGE OF THE TALENT THIS YEAR. YEAH, YOURE HOLDING THE AUDITIONS ON SATURDAY. MISS NO. YOU ARE! HUH? MISS I WILL BE ENJOYING MY SATURDAY WHILE YOU TAPE THE AUDITIONS FOR ME. MISS BRIGGS CARLY A PAPER AND CARLY TAKES IT. CARLY: NO! IM GOING TO SEE CUDDLEFISH LIVE AT THE HAWTHORNE ON SATURDAY! MISS NOT ANYMORE. CARLY: AW, ON! BRIGGS: ITS WHAT YOU GET FOR TURNING ME INTO A HIPPOPOTAMUS. RHINOCEROS. MISS BRIGGS: (YELLING AND TO THE DOOR) GET OUT! RIGHT. CARLY HER STUFF AND LEAVES.
TWO MAIN HALLWAY SCENE OPENS WITH SAM HOLDING A KID BY HIS AND PUSHING HIM AGAINST A LOCKER. LET ME GO! SAM: SAY SORRY! IM SORRY. SAM: NOW ARE YOU SORRY FOR? KID: FOR SAYING IGGRESIVE! SAM PUSHES KID AGAINST THE AGAIN AND CARLY WALKS INTO SAME HALL AND ROLLS HER EYES. AND WHAT AM I AGAIN? KID: AND SWEET. SAM: THANK YOU. NOW THE NEXT CARLY INTERUPTS BY PULLING SAMS OVER TO HER LOCKER. OW! HAIR, HAIR, HAIR! (ANGRY) HI! SAM: DID YOU GET IN CARLY: (STILL ANGRY) OF COURSE I GOT IN TROUBLE! TEACHERS TEND TO GET UPSET YOU PUT THEIR HEADS ON THE BODIES OF BIG FAT ANIMALS! I CANT BELIEVE I LET YOU TALK ME INTO TAKING THE BLAME FOR YOU! SAM: YOU HAD TO! IVE ALREADY BEEN SUSPENDED ONCE THIS SEMESTER. IF I HAD GOTTEN BUSTED, SHE EXPELLED ME. CARLY: (IN A VOICE) WELL HERES AN IDEA. WHAT? CARLY: (ANGRY AGAIN) DOING BAD THINGS! CARLY WALKS OVER TO HER AND SAM FOLLOWS. HEY, CHILL-AX! CARLY: I WILL NOT CHILL-AX. AND GET EXCITED, BECAUSE YOU AND I GET TO SPEND OUR ENTIRE HERE. VIDEOTAPING KIDS AUDITIONS FOR THE TALENT SHOW. NO WAY, GROSS. CARLY: SORRY. ITS MY PUNISHMENT, SO NOW ITS PUNISHMENT TOO! ALRIGHT. WHAT-EV. CARLY: YOU KNOW, ANYBODY BUT ME WOULD PUNCH YOU IN THE HEAD. SAM: IS WHY YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND! CARLY: GOOD TO KNOW. KNOW WHY ARE YOU CARLY WALKS INTO A CLASSROOM AND SAM FOLLOWS, PUSHING THE KID INTO A LOCKER AGAIN. SAM: BECAUSE IM A PERSON!
THREE CARLYS APARTMENT SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY GOING TO HER APARTMENT DOOR AND PUTTING HER WATER BOTTLE AWAY BUT IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR. THEN FREDDIE COMES RUNNING OUT HIS APARTMENT ACROSS THE HALL AND GRABS IT THEN PUTS IT IN FRONT OF CARLYS FACE. FREDDIE: YOU THIS! CARLY TAKES THE BOTTLE. UH, THANKS. BUT YOU FREDDIE: I WAS WALK YOU HOME FROM SCHOOL, BUT I COULDNT FIND YOU. HEY! CARLY: FREDDIE, WERE YOU JUST LOOKING OUT PEEPHOLE WAITING FOR ME TO COME HOME? (LAUGHING) NO-HO-HO! FREDDIE. YES. CARLY: I THOUGHT WE TALKED THIS. WE CAN BE BUDS, BUT YOUVE GOTTA GET OVER THIS CRUSH THING. FREDDIE: I AM OVER IT. SERIOUSLY. IM IN YOU, YOU JUST WANNA BE FRIENDS. AND IM TOTALLY COOL LIVING WITH THAT CONSTANT PAIN. OH GOD. CARLY WALKS OVER TO HER AND PUTS THE KEYS IN THE KEYSLOT, BUT TURNED AROUND. FREDDIE: OH, HEY! I HEAR YOU TO BORROW A CAMCORDER, TO TAPE SOME AUDITIONS. CARLY: YEAH, BUT ILL USE MY BROTHERS. FREDDIE OUT HIS PHONE. FREDDIE: WELL, IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND, YOU MY DIGITS. CARLY: HEY, YOU GOT A NEW PHONE. YOU CAN HAVE IT! CARLY OPENS HER DOOR AND INSIDE. IM HOME. HEY, KIDDO. UP HERE. CARLY UP AT THE CEILING. SPENCER: IM SOME PICS OF MY ROBOT SCULPTURE. SMILE! POINTS CAMERA AT SCULPTURE AND TAKES A PICTURE. CARLY: YOU KNOW, FOR MOST EIGHTH GRADE GIRLS, IF THEY HOME AND FOUND THEIR TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD BROTHER DANGLING UPSIDE DOWN FROM THEIR CEILING OVER A GIANT ROBOT MADE OUT OF SODA BOTTLES, ITD BE WEIRD. YOURE SAYING IM ABNORMAL? CARLY: DO I TO SAY IT? GET DOWN FROM THERE BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF! SPENCER: NO WORRIES. IVE GOT MY LEG AROUND THIS PIPE SPENCER FALLS ON THE AND SCREAMS. I CANT BELIEVE YOURE IN CHARGE OF ME. SPENCER: HELP ME STAND UP. HELPS SPENCER UP. CARLY: ARE YOU YEP! NOPE! I DISLOCATED MY SHOULDER AGAIN. ONE SEC. SPENCER FALLS ON HIS SHOULDER AND GETS BACK UP. SPENCER: YEP! THAT HER. CARLY: GOOD. LISTEN, I A FAVOR. SHOOT. CARLY: I TO TAPE A BUCH OF AUDITIONS AT SCHOOL ON SATURDAY. FUN! CARLY: YEAH, NOT REALLY. ANYWAY, I WAS IF I COULD BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. I WOULD AWESOME! THOUGH, I CANT. CARLY: WHY SPENCER STARTS LAUGHING AND BRINGS OUT HIS THATS DISGUISED TO LOOK LIKE A SQUIRREL. SPENCER: I IT INTO A SQUIRREL.
SCENE PART 1 AUDITIONS ROOM OPENS WITH CARLY WALKING IN THE DOOR ON THE PHONE. CARLY: I TOLD YOU THE FRONT DOORS WOULD BE LOCKEDYOU GOTTA GO TO THE BLUE DOORS IN THE BACK OF MY GOD! CARLY IS INTERUPTED BY HER NOTICE OF FREDDIE A HUGE AND ADVANCED COMPUTER AND VIDEOCAMERA SET UP. MORNING, CARLY. SEE YA IN A SEC. CARLY UP. FREDDIE! FREDDIE: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY CARLY: I JUST ASKED TO BORROW VIDEOCAMERA. WHAT IS ALL THIS? FREDDIE: WELL, A 3-SHIP HI-DEF CAMCORDER WITH A HARPER DUIDE CONDENSER MICROPHONE MOUNTED ON A CARBON-FLIED TRIPOD WITH AN OVERDRIVE FLUED-HEAD. I ALSO BROUGHT YOU JUICE AND A BAGLE! FREDDIE BRINGS A TRAY OVER TO CARLY THAT HAS JUICE AND A BAGLE ON IT. THEN, SAM WALKS IN THE DOOR. HEY, YOU INVITED THE DOOF! SAM! FREDDIE TRAY ON TABLE. FREDDIE: AW, MAN! I DIDNT KNOW WAS GONNA BE HERE! SHE, FREDDIE. IM A SHE, AS IN GIRL. BARELY. OOOHHH! FREDDIE: YOU JUST KEEP HANDS OFF MY AV EQUIPMENT. SAM: SO YOU MEAN I CANT THE WHITE-BALANCE ON YOUR SUPERTY-DUPERTY CAMCORDER? FREDDIE: OH, SURE. JOKE ABOUT THE WHITE-BALANCE THE SKINTONES GO MAGENTA! SAM WALKS OVER TO AND CLEARS HER THROAT. CARLY WILL NEVER LOVE YOU FREDDIE: OKAY. THATS IT. IM TAKING MY AND IM GOING HOME. FREDDIE UP HIS CAMERA. (IN A SWEET VOICE) PLEASE STAY! FREDDIE HIS CAMERA DOWN. OKAY. SCENE FOUR 2 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SITTING IN SEATS AND FREDDIE HAS HIS CAMERA SET UP THE FIRST AUDITION ONSTAGE. CARLY: HEY, JEB. READY TO JEB: YEAH. I WILL BE PERFORMING A FRECH CALLED LE U E MAPHEME. OKAY CARLY: WE DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT, KNOCK US OUT. (TURNS TO FREDDIE) TURNS ON HIS CAMERA. ROLLING. JEB: BACK, BACK, DID SHE GO? JEB A MUSTACHE ON. JEB: I KNOW! JEB TAKES HIS OFF. JEB: WHEN SHE BE BACK? JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON. JEB: I KNOW! JEB TAKES HIS OFF. WELL WHERE CAN I FIND HER? JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON. JEB: I YOU, I DO NOT KNOW! JEB TAKES HIS MUSTACHE OFF AND SMILES, THEN CARLY AND SAM CLAP HE WALKS OFFSTAGE. WHAT YA THINK? CARLY: I KNOW! SAM: YOU DONT CARLY: I YOU I DO NOT KNOW! SAM: BUT YOU KNOW! CARLY: HOW CAN I IF I DO NOT KNOW? SAM: I KNOW. SCENE PART 3 AUDITIONS ROOM. SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL PLAYING VIOLIN, AND SAM IS FALLING, BUT CARLY IS ASLEEP. SCENE FOUR PART 4 ROOM SCENE WITH ONE BOY DOING BAD BALLET, AND CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE LOOK LIKE THEY ARE DISGUSTED. SCENE FOUR PART 5 AUDITIONS SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL WITH A TRUMPET IN HER HAND AND A POGO-STICK LAYING ON THE STAGE STEPS, AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK TIRED. TARAN: I BE PLAYING THIS TRUMPET. COOL. NICE. TARAN: WHILE HOPPING ON POGO-STICK. TARAN PICKS UP POGO-STICK AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK INTERESTED NOW. THEN TARAN STARTS HOPPING ON THE POGO-STICK AND PLAYING THE TRUMPET AT THE SAME TIME. CARLY AND SAM STAND UP AND START TO CLAP. NICE! CARLY: NOW THATS WHAT IM ABOUT! JUMP AND BLOW-HO! SCENE FOUR 6 AUDITIONS ROOM OPENS WITH KID STANDING ONSTAGE SAYING SOMETHING INTO THE MICROPHONE. KID: THE MOM SAYS WHY DID YOU FAIL TO BRING HER IN? AND THEN THE DOG SAYS I DA EGGS! HA, HA, HA! CARLY AND SAM START WHEN KID WALKS OFFSTAGE. THANKS! CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING. SAM: NOT FUNNY. NO, NO, NOT AT ALL. SAM WALKS OVER TO THE STAGE AND CARLY UP. SAM: WELL FORGET THAT. CAN WE PLEASE THE BOYS HAIR AND GLASSES? HE LOOKS LIKE MISS BRIGGS! CARLY: (LAUGHING) YEAH. AT LEAST HE DOESNT MISS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS! FREDDIE POINTS AT CARLY AND SAM AND SAM WALKS OVER TO CARLY. SAM: (LAUGHING) I KNOW. IS UP WITH THOSE? CARLY: (STILL LAUGHING) ITS LIKE SHE WAFFLE CONES IN HER BRA! SAM: (STILL LAUGHING) SHE COULD POKE AN EYE OUT ONE OF THOSE THINGS! CARLY: OKAY. THATS ENOUGH. WEVE GOT (CARLY CHECKS PAPER) ELEVEN PEOPLE TO SEE. SAM: OOH! CARLY: DOWN. IT CANT GET WORSE. SCENE FOUR 5 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH KID HORRIBLY. AND I WAS WRONG. SCENE CARLYS APARTMENT AT NIGHT SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM ON THE COUCH AND THE TELEVISION IS ON. CARLY WAKES UP. CARLY: (SLEEPY) HEY, SAM? WAKE UP! CARLY PUTS HER FOOT ON SAMS FACE AND SHE UP. SAM SITS UP AND YAWNS. SAM: WHAT IS IT? LATE. WHENS YOURE MOM COMING TO PICK YOU UP? SAM: SHES NOT. I TOLD HER YOU ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT. CARLY: I DIDNT INVITE YOU TO THE NIGHT! SAM: WELL YOU CUZ IM NOT LEAVING. CARLY WALKS TO THE COMPUTER AND STARTS TYPING. SAM: DOIN? CARLY: IM CHECKING TO SEE IF FREDDIE PUT THE AUDIOTIONS ONLINE. HE SAID HED THEM IN THE MORNING SO MISS BRIGGS COULD WATCH THEM ONLINE. SAM: I HATE MISS BRIGGS. WHEN SHE CALLED ME A DEMON? (YELLING) NO! SAM: OH, YES. SOMEONE PUT THAT RAW CHICKEN IN HER CARLY: UP AND COME LOOK AT THIS! SAM OVER TO CARLY AT THE COMPUTER. SAM: WHAT? DIDNT UPLOAD THE AUDIOTIONS? CARLY: NO. HE US! WHAT? LOOK! SAM WATCHES A VIDEO ON THE COMPUTER THAT SHOWS THEM MAKING FUN OF MISS BRIGGS CRAZY BOOBS. SAM: US! CARLY: IS! SAM: FREDDIE WASNT SUPPOSED TO FILM US! WE BEING ALL GOOFY AND ACTING LIKE IDIOTS ALL DAY! CARLY SCARED. CARLY: OH MY GOD! WE MADE FUN OF MISS BRIGGS AND HER CRAZY BOOBS! SAM: WHOA! IF SHE THAT ANYONE CAN SEE IT! ITS ON SLPASHFACE. OKAY, CHILL-AX. SAM AT THE COMPUTER. SAM: SEE THE VIEWCOUNT? 27 PEOPLE HAVE CLICKED ON IT. OH. OKAY, GOOD. CARLY AT THE COMPUTER. SAM? SAM: CARLY: (YELLING) 27,000! SAM OUT OF CHAIR.