I'm An Ordinary Man

Well after all, Pickering, I'm an ordinary man,
who desires nothing more than just an ordinary chance
to live exactly as he likes, and do precisely what he wants.
An average man am I, of no eccentric whim,
who likes to live his life free of strife,
doing whatever he thinks is best for him.
Just an ordinary man...
BUT, Let a woman in your life and your serenity is through.
She'll redecorate your home from the cellar to the dome,
then go on to the enthralling fun of overhauling you.
Let a woman in your life and you're up against a wall.
Make a plan and you will find
she has something else in mind,
and so rather than do either, you do something else
that neither likes at all.
You want to talk of Keats or Milton,
she only wants to talk of love.
You go to see a play or ballet
and spend it searching for her glove.
Let a woman in your life
and you invite eternal strife,
Let them buy their wedding bands
for those anxious little hands;
I'd be equally as willing for a dentist to be drilling
than to ever let a woman in my life.
I'm a very gentle man,
even tempered and good-natured,
whom you never hear complain,
who has the milk of human kindness
by the quart in every vein.
A patient man am I, down to my fingertips,
the sort who never could, ever would,
let an insulting remark escape his lips
Just a very gentle man.
But let a woman in your life,
and patience hasn't got a chance.
She will beg you for advice, your reply will be concise,
and she will listen very nicely, then go out
and do precisely what she wants!
You are a man of grace and polish,
who never spoke above a hush.
Now at once you're using language
that would make a sailor blush!
Let a woman in your life
and you're plunging in a knife!
Let the others of my sex tie the knot around their necks,
I prefer a new edition of the Spanish Inquisition
than to ever let a woman in my life.
I'm a quiet living man,
who prefers to spend the evening in the silence of his room,
who likes an atmosphere as restful
as an undiscovered tomb.
A pensive man am I, of philosophic joys,
who likes to meditate, contemplate,
free for humanity's mad inhuman noise.
Just a quiet living man.
But, let a woman in your life, and your sabbatical is through.
In a line that never ends comes an army of her friends,
come to jabber and to chatter
and to tell her what the matter is with YOU!
She'll have a booming, boisterous family
who will descend on you en masse.
She'll have a large Wagnerian mother,
with a voice that shatters glass.
Let a woman in your life,
Let a woman in your life,
I shall never let a woman in my life.