I'm An Asshole

Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American Dream
About me, about you, the way our American hearts beat
Down in the bottom of our chests, about the special feeling

We get in the cockles of our hearts, maybe below the cockles
Maybe in the sub-cockle area, maybe in the liver
Maybe in the kidneys, maybe even in the colon, we don't know

I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job
I'm your average white suburbanite slob
I like football and porno and books about war

I've got an average house with a nice hardwood floor
My wife and my job, my kids and my car
My feet on my table and a Cuban cigar

But sometimes that just ain't enough
To keep a man like me interested
(Oh no)
No way
(Uh-uh)

No, I've gotta go out and have fun
At someone else's expense
(Oh yeah)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I drive really slow in the ultrafast lane
While people behind me are going insane

I'm an asshole
(He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(He's an asshole, such an asshole)

I use public toilets and piss on the seat
I walk around in the summertime saying
"How about this heat?"

I'm an asshole
(He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(He's the world's biggest asshole)

Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces
While handicapped people make handicapped faces

I'm an asshole
(He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(He's a real fucking asshole)

Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong

Nah!

I'm an asshole
(He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(He's the world's biggest asshole)

You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac, El Dorado convertible
Hot pink with whaleskin hub caps and all leather cow interior
And big brown baby seal eyes for headlights, yeah
And I'm gonna drive around in that baby at 115 mph

Getting one mile per gallon, sucking down quarter pounder
Cheese burgers from McDonald's in the old fashioned
Non-biodegradable Styrofoam containers
And when I'm done sucking down those grease ball burgers

I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag
And then I'm gonna toss the Styrofoam container right out the side
And there ain't a goddamned thing anybody can do about it
You know why? Because we got the bombs, that's why

Two words, nuclear fucking weapons, okay?
Russia, Germany, Romania
They can have all the democracy they want
They can have a big democracy cake walk
Right through the middle of Tienanmen square

And it won't make a lick of difference
Because we've got the bombs, okay? John Wayne's not dead
He's frozen and as soon as we find the cure for cancer
We're gonna thaw out the duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off
You know why? Have you ever taken a cold shower?

Well multiple that by 15 million times
That's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be
I'm gonna get the Duke and John Cassavetes

(Hey)
And Lee Marvin
(Hey)
And Sam Peckinpah
(Hey)
And a case of whiskey and drive down to Texas
(Hey, you know you really are an asshole)
Why don't you just shut-up and sing the song pal

I'm an asshole
(He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(He's the world's biggest asshole)

A S S H O L E, everybody
A S S H O L E

Arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Fung achng tum a fung tum a fling chum
Ooh, ooh

I'm an asshole and proud of it