Getting Married Today

Pardon me, is everybody here? Because if everybody's here, I
Want to thank you all for coming to the wedding, I'd appreciate
Your going even more, I mean you must have lots of better things
To do, and not a word of this to Paul, remember Paul, you know,
The man I'm gonna marry, but I'm not, because I wouldn't ruin
Anyone as wonderful as he is--
Thank you all
For the gifts and the flowers,
Thank you all,
Now it's back to the showers,
Don't tell Paul,
But I'm not getting married today.
Listen, everybody, look, I don't know what you're waiting for,
A wedding, what's a wedding, it's a prehistoric ritual
Where everybody promises fidelity forever, which is
Maybe the most horrifying word I ever heard of, which is
Followed by a honeymoon, where suddenly he'll realize he's
Saddled with a nut, and wanna kill me, which he should--
Thanks a bunch,
But I'm not getting married--
Go have lunch,
'Cause I'm not getting married--
You've been grand,
But I'm not getting married--
Don't just stand there,
I'm not getting married--
And don't tell Paul,
But I'm not getting married today.
Go, can't you go?
Why is no-
Body listening?
Goodbye
Go and cry
At another person's wake
If you're quick
For a kick
You could pick
Up a christening
But please
On my knees
There's a human life at stake!
Listen everybody, I'm afraid you didn't hear, or do you want to
See a crazy lady fall apart in front of you, it isn't only Paul
Who may be ruining his life, you know we'll both of us be losing
Our identities, I telephoned my analyst about it and he said to
See him Monday, but by Monday I'll be floating in the Hudson with
The other garbage--
I'm not well,
So I'm not getting married--
You've been swell,
But I'm not getting married--
Clear the hall,
'Cause I'm not getting married--
Thank you all,
But I'm not getting married--
And don't tell Paul,
But I'm not getting married today.
Go, can't you go?
Look, you know
I adore you all
But why
Watch me die ,
Like Eliza on the ice?
Look, perhaps
I'll collapse
In the apse
Right before you all,
So take
Back the cake,
Burn the shoes and boil the rice.
Look, I didn't wanna have to
Tell you, but I may be coming
Down with Hepatitis, and I
Think I'm gonna faint, so if
You wanna see me faint, I'll
Do it happily, but wouldn't
It be funnier to go and watch
A funeral, so thank you for the
Twenty-seven dinner plates,
Thirty-seven butter knives,
Forty-seven paperweights,
Fifty-seven candleholders--
One more thing--
I am not getting married!
But I'm not getting married!
Still I'm not getting married!
See, I'm not getting married!
That I'm not getting married
Today!