Way back when I was just a little boy in a box Under the In the corner of the In the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Shop You know the
anyway, Back then life was swell And everything was peachy!
Except of for the undeniable fact every single morning My mother make me a big ol' bowl of Sauer kraut for
Big of sauer kraut! single mornin'! It was me crazy! And I to my mom, I said, "Hey, mom, up with all the sauerkraut?"
And my dear, mother, She just looked at me like a cow At an train And she leaned down next to me And she said, "IT'S FOR YOU!"
And then she me to the wall And a funnel in my mouth And force fed me but sauer kraut Until I was and a half years old
That's when I swore someday, Someday I would get outta basement And to a magical, far away place, Where the sun is shining And the air like warm root beer, And the are oh so fluffy!
the shriners and the lepers Play their ukuleles all day And anyone on the Will gladly shave back for a nickel!
wacka, doo doo, yeah!
Well, let me you, people, It wasn't long at all my dream came true Because the next day, A local radio had this contest To see who could correctly guess the Of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's
I was off by three, but I won the grand prize right, a first class, one-way ticket To Albuquerque! Albuquerque!
Oh You know, I'd been On a airplane before And I gotta ya It was really
that I had to sit Between two large Albanian With excruciatingly severe odor And the kid in back of me Kept up the whole time The attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and peanuts And the movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore And, oh yeah, three of the engines burned out And we into a tailspin And into a hillside And the exploded in a giant fireball And died! Except for me. You know
I had my tray table up And my seat back in the full position Had my tray up And my seat back in the full position Had my table up And my seat back in the full upright
Ah-ha-ha-ha! Ah-ha-ha! So I from the twisted, burnin', wreckage I crawled on my and knees For three full Draggin' along my big leather And my bag And my saxophone And my 12-pound ball And my lucky, lucky autographed snorkel!
But finally I arrived at the world Holiday Inn! Where the are oh so fluffy! And you can eat your Right out of the ashtrays if you It's okay, clean!
Well, I into my room, And I down the A/C, And I on the SpectraVision, And I'm just to eat little chocolate mint on my pillow That I so very, very much, When suddenly a knock on the door
Well, now, who that be? I say, "Who is it?" No "Who is it?" There's no "WHO IS IT!?" not sayin' anything
So finally, I go And I the door, And as I suspected, some big, fat hermaphrodite With a of seagulls, haircut, And only one Oh, man, I it when I'm right!
So, anyway, He into my room, And he grabs my snorkel, And I'm like, "Hey, you have that! That been just like a snorkel to me!"
And like, "Tough!" And I'm like, "Give it!" And like, "Make me!" And I'm like, "'Kay!"
So I his leg And he grabbed my And I bit off his ear And he chewed off my And I took out his And he me a colonic irrigation Yes indeed-y, you better it!
And somehow in the of it all The got knocked off the hook And twenty later, I heard a voice And you know it said? tell ya what it said!
It said, "If like to make a call, hang up and try again If you help, Hang up and then dial operator If you'd like to make a hang up and try again. If you need Hang up and dial your operator In Albuquerque!" Albuquerque!
Well, to cut a long short, He got away my snorkel But I made a vow Right and there That I not rest, I not sleep for an instant, Until the man Was to justice But first, I to buy some donuts
So I got in my car And I drove to the donut shop And I on up to the guy behind the counter And he says, "Yeah, want?"
I said, "You got any donuts?" He said, "Nah, we're glazed donuts." I say, "Well, you got any donuts?" He said, "No, outta jelly donuts." I said, "You got any Bavarian donuts?" He said, "No, we're outta Bavarian donuts." I said, "You got any rolls?" He said, "No, outta cinnamon rolls!" I said, "You got any fritters?" He said, "No, we're apple fritters!" I said, "You got any claws?" He said, "Wait a minute, go check."
"Naw, we're bear claws!"
I said, "Well, in case In that case, do you have?" He says, "All I got now Is this box of one crazed weasels." I said, "Okay, I'll that."
So he me the box, And I up the lid, And the jump out And immediately latch onto my face And start me all over
Oh, man, they were just nuts! They tearin' me apart! You know, I think it was just about time a little ditty started goin' through my head I believe it went a little like this:
DOH! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me! Ohhh! No, get 'em off, get 'em off! Oh, oh God, oh God! Oh, get 'em off me! Oh, oh God! Ah, aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!
I ran out the street With these weasels All my face, my arms all around And runnin', runnin', runnin', Like a constipated dog
And as luck would it, That's exactly I ran into The of my dreams Her was Zelda
She was a enthusiast, With a overbite, And the color of strained peaches
I'll forget The very thing She to me She said, "Hey, You've got weasels on face."
That's when I it was true love
We were inseparable that Aw, we ate We bathed We even shared the same Of dental floss The was our burrito
So we got married, And we bought us a And had two children, and Superfly Oh we were so very, very, happy, oh yeah
But then, one night, Zelda to me, she said, "Sweetie Do you wanna the Columbia Record Club?" I said, "Woah! on now, baby! I'm just not ready for that of a commitment!"
So we up, And I saw her again But just the way things go In Albuquerque! Albuquerque!
Anyway, really started up for me, Because about a later I finally achieved my dream That's right, I got me a job At the Sizzler!
I even employee of the month After I put out that fire my face!
Aw yeah, everybody was jealous Of me that I was a lot of attitude.
Okay, one time, I was out in the lot, Tryin' to remove my earwax a golf pencil, When I see this guy Tryin' to a big ol' sofa Up the all by himself.
So I-I say to him, I say, "Hey, you want me to help you that?" And Marty, he just rolls his And goes, "No, I want you to cut off my arms and with a chainsaw!"
So I did.
And then he gets all on me He's like, "Hey, man, I was just sarcastic!" Well, just great. How was I supposed to that? I'm not a reader, For cryin' out
Besides, now got A really nickname - Torso-Boy! So what's he about?
Say, that reminds me of another amusing guy comes up to me on the street And he tells me he had a bite In three
Well, I knew he meant, But to be funny, I took a big Out of his vein And yelling and screaming And all over, And I'm like, "Hey, come on, get it?" But he keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, and screaming, "Aaaahhhh! AaaaahhhhOhhhhh! Aaaaahhhh!" You know, missing The irony of the situation Man, people just can't take a joke, you know?
Anyway, um... was I? Kinda lost my of thought.
Uh, well, uh, OK, anyway, I-I know it's kind of a way Of it, but, I guess the whole I'm tryin' to make here is
I SAUERKRAUT!
That's all I'm tryin' to say And, by the way, if one day you to wake up And find in an existential quandry, of loathing and self-doubt And with the pain and isolation Of pitiful meaningless existence, At least you can a small bit of comfort In knowing that out there in this Crazy ol' universe of ours, still a little place Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!) Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!) Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!) Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
I A! (A!) L! (L!) B! (B!) U! (U!) ... querque! (querque!)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque) (Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque) (Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque) Al...buquerque!