Abercrombie Had a Zombie

Abercrombie Vanderslice the Third
was a Caspar Milquetoast, if you ever saw one.
There are lots of stories going round I heard.
Oh he's not the same as he used to be.
Oh, Abercrombie had a zombie.

Abercrombie was so meek and quiet;
Abercrombie was the tearoom type.
Oh, you'd never think he'd start a riot;
then Abercrombie had a zombie.

Abercrombie never stole a hansom (1).
Abercrombie never did a bump.
Never thought of crawling through a transom;
then Abercrombie had a zombie.

He never sassed a cop; he never passed a stop.
He never drove a car into the Astor bar.
He never tried to wade in the Aquacade;
He was just an icky (2), I'm afraid.

But like that other famous sinner,
Abercrombie met his Waterloo.
He's the man who didn't come to dinner;
'cuz Abercrombie had a zombie—or was it two?

Abercrombie never hit Jack Dempsey (3).
Abercrombie never cut a rug.
Never tried to be Vaslav Nijinsky (4);
then Abercrombie had a zombie.

Abercrombie never climbed a steeple.
Abercrombie never heaved a brick.
And he never went on "We the People" (5);
then Abercrombie had a zombie.

He never played roulette; he never made a bet.
He never learned to fly or gave a blonde the eye.
He never paid a fine or led a conga line.
He was just a comic valentine.

At time the slowest horse gets racy,
Abercrombie's no exception there.
He's as daring as that guy Dick Tracy (6),
since Abercrombie had a zombie—or was it ten?

(1). Hansom: a type of horse-pulled cab.
(2). Icky: a "square"; one who is not "hip."
(3). Jack Dempsey: World Heavyweight Championship from 1919 to 1926.
(4). Vaslav Najinski (1899/90-1950): Renowned danseur.
(5). Popular radio program 1930s-1940s (later a TV program).
(6). Dick Tracy: Comic-strip detective.