Two Noses

I'm a happy guy
I've got a happy life
Two happy kids
And a happy wife

Flowers are blooming
It's a beautiful day
I've got an upper class job
With upper class pay

But I've got a little problem
You see, with me
A major physical deformity
It takes me twice as long
To stop and smell the roses

'Cause I've had to live my life
Having two noses kids understand
They think it's neat
At birthday parties
I'm an added treat

Wife loves me for my mind
Doesn't care about my looks
She's so damn kind

It's really no fun
When the nostrils
Of both noses run
Yeah, that really sucks

And when I think back
To my days of grammar school
I was the one who got picked on
When the kids were being cruel

A major problem in high school
Was if you had acne tell you
Pinocchio had nothing on me

Summer, I used a surplus of zinc oxide
Spring, allergy season caused me to hide
Winter would come along and noses would freeze

Autumn was not so bad
The smell of burning leaves
Paid real well

So my job's okay
I'm the head tester
Of nasal spray

Boss thinks I'm weird
But I don't care
I just do my job
And I'm outta there

I'll fill you in on
What's my personal hell
When someone farts
I get twice the smell

Another duty that can prove
To be a scare is when
I have to trim my nostril hair

Just so you know
It's in my head
I'll get a nose job
Before I'm dead

Years of planning have gone into this
I'll get the left nose trimmed
'Cause it's too big, yeah
I've got to get that taken care of

You know you put your left nose in
You put your left nose out
And you put your left nose in
And then you shake it all about

You do the hokey pokey
And you turn yourself around
That's what it's all about

I've got two noses
I've got two noses
Why'd this have to happen to me