Getting Married Today

Bless this day
Pinnacle of life
Husband joined to wife
The heart leaps up to behold
This golden day

Today is for Emma
Emma, I give you the rest of my life
To cherish and to keep you, to honor you forever
Today is for Emma
My happily soon-to-be wife

Pardon me, is everybody here? Because if everybody's here, I
Want to thank you all for coming to the wedding, I'd appreciate
Your going even more, I mean you must have lots of better things
To do, and not a word of this to Will, remember Will, you know,
The man I'm gonna marry, but I'm not, because I wouldn't ruin
Anyone as wonderful as he is--
Thank you all
For the gifts and the flowers,
Thank you all,
Now it's back to the showers,
Don't tell Will,
But I'm not getting married today.

Bless this day
Tragedy of life
Husband joined to wife
The heart sinks down and feels dead
This dreadful day

Listen, everybody, look, I don't know what you're waiting for,
A wedding, what's a wedding, it's a prehistoric ritual
Where everybody promises fidelity forever, which is
Maybe the most horrifying word I ever heard of, which is
Followed by a honeymoon, where suddenly he'll realize he's
Saddled with a nut, and wanna kill me, which he should--
Thanks a bunch,
But I'm not getting married--
Go have lunch,
'Cause I'm not getting married--
You've been grand,
But I'm not getting married--
Don't just stand there,
I'm not getting married--
And don't tell Will,
But I'm not getting married today.

Go, can't you go?
Why is no-
Body listening?
Goodbye
Go and cry
At another person's wake
If you're quick
For a kick
You could pick
Up a christening
But please
On my knees
There's a human life at stake!

Listen everybody, I'm afraid you didn't hear, or do you want to
See a crazy lady fall apart in front of you, it isn't only Will
Who may be ruining his life, you know we'll both of us be losing
Our identities, I telephoned my analyst about it and he said to
See him Monday, but by Monday I'll be floating in the Hudson with
The other garbage--
I'm not well,
So I'm not getting married--
You've been swell,
But I'm not getting married--
Clear the hall,
'Cause I'm not getting married--
Thank you all,
But I'm not getting married--
And don't tell Will,
But I'm not getting married today.

Bless this bride
Totally insane
Slipping down the drain
And bless this day in our hearts
As it starts
To rain

Today is for
Go, can't you go? |Emma,
Look, you know |Emma,
I adore you all |I give you
But why |The rest of
Watch me die |My life,
Like Eliza on the ice? |To cherish
Look, perhaps |And to keep you,
I'll collapse |To honor you
In the apse |Forever,
Right before you all, |Today is for Emma,
So take |My happily
Back the cake, |Soon-to-be
Burn the shoes and boil the rice. |Wife,
Look, I didn't wanna have to |My adorable
Tell you, but I may be coming |Wife.
Down with Hepatitis, and I
Think I'm gonna faint, so if
You wanna see me faint, I'll
Do it happily, but wouldn't
It be funnier to go and watch
A funeral, so thank you for the
Twenty-seven dinner plates,
Thirty-seven butter knives,
Forty-seven paperweights,
Fifty-seven candleholders--

One more thing--

I am not getting married!

Amen!

Softly said--

But I'm not getting married!

Amen!

With this ring--

Still I'm not getting married!

Amen!

I thee wed.

See, I'm not getting married!

Amen!

Let us pray Let us pray
That we are getting married | That I'm not getting married
Today! | Today!

AMEN!